What is enough? What does it mean when I say "Jesus is Enough"? My Sunday School teacher talked about this several months ago and it really stuck with me for some reason. What does it mean to let Jesus be enough in your life? As I'm writing the question, it's hard for me to think of an answer. I think it probably means that it doesn't matter what or who you encounter or what you go through, because you have Jesus and He's enough. Lost? Jesus is all you need as He will help you find your way. Jesus is Enough. Hungry? Jesus is all you need as He will provide. Jesus is Enough. Confused? Sad? Jesus is all you need as He will bring you peace and comfort. Jesus is Enough. It seems so simple, but I don't think we truly get it until we're in His shoes. At least I don't.
For some reason (well not for some reason...God's teaching me), I've had a few things happen to me recently where I have felt like I wasn't enough for some people. My true problem: I get way too excited over a maybe and then when something or someone doesn't follow through, I get extremely disappointed and upset. You might say this is a fault of mine. No one is to blame when I get disappointed except myself; I expect way too much out of people. A couple separate instances I'm thinking of specifically are when people didn't want to spend time with me. And yes, I realize it wasn't that they really didn't want to spend time with me (or at least that's what I'm telling myself), it's just that other things came up that were more important or maybe couldn't be avoided. But I found myself getting excited to spend time with them and then getting disappointed because plans fell through.
Both times, the words "I'm not enough" came to my mind. And I questioned myself-why am I not enough? I then fell into a spiral of "well if I had kids, they would want to visit or hang out". And then of course, the "and I can't even have kids" pity party begins. So I'm sitting alone in the living room having this pity party for myself. "Woe is me...I can't have kids...I'm not enough for some people...wa...wa...wa". (I promise I'm not as much of a spoiled brat as I sound like in this post.) Then I think, is it selfish to be sad that I'm not enough for some people? Is it arrogant? Ignorant? Or maybe just disheartening? I don't know, but I start trying to imagine what Jesus would do in this situation; how would he feel? How would He feel if people didn't think He was enough? Then the tears just flow as I finally get what I'm being taught-what the some reason has been. Jesus does feel like this. Jesus knows exactly, better than anyone, what it feels like for people to think He's not enough. Even I, the same one wailing over the exact thing that makes me sad, has told Jesus time and time again that He is not enough. But He is enough, more than enough, and now I think I actually get it (or think I do at least).
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Power of Prayer
I have to admit that I feel a little at ease since we've found out we can't have children. I am still very sad; in fact, I cried on my way home from work today because I heard Brad Paisley's new song "Anything Like Me" on the radio. Basically it's about his new little baby and how he's wondering if he'll be just like him. He talks about getting hurt and being crazy like little boys are. It makes me sad, first of all, because I've always wanted a boy. I can't even describe it, but I would love to be a mom of a little boy. But it also makes me sad, because I would love more than anything, to have my husband's son. I've already talked about how wonderful my husband is and I just think this world needs more men like him. Anyway, I've let myself ramble, but the point was that I was sad, because I may not have my husband's little crazy boy who would be just like him.
But I am more at ease. I don't know how God does it, but I think He took all the options away from me so I would put all my trust and hope solely in Him. I simply cannot look to anything else, not because I am this super awesome Christian and it's just amazingly easy for me (because I'm not and it's not by the way), but because God knows that I'm human and I fail, and He wants me to rely on Him and Him alone. He's taken all the options away from me (doctors, medicine, etc) except for Him. He is all that is left, and He was there in the beginning. After everything has been stripped away, He's still standing. He's still my rock and still my foundation and will always be.
Our Bible study group at work is doing a lesson on prayer tomorrow. As I was going through it, I couldn't help but think how simple it seems, and yet we make it so complicated. Mark 11:23-24 says (and this is Jesus speaking), "Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Betaken up and cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. Therefore, I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you."
There are tons of versus about praying and the power of prayer. After going through the lesson, I've learned that you have to pray earnestly, never ceasing. I am really bad at this. Sure I pray, but I just pray when I think about it here and there. I should do it all the time and not because I should, but because I genuinely want to. I like talking to my best friend all the time right, so why wouldn't I want to talk to Jesus all the time? The DJ of the Christian radio station I listen to said he and his wife were on the beach and he lost his wedding ring in the ocean. They looked for it and couldn't find it. The next day they looked for it, couldn't find it but decided to pray to find the ring. Right after he prayed, he looked down and the ring was right by his foot IN THE OCEAN. How does that happen? The current and undertow and tide and a full day later it was right by his foot? That's almost unbelievable except that I know God can perform miracles like that all day long. And the cool part is that we can actually be a part of that if we just pray fervently. God can make a tiny little ring appear in a gigantic ocean; He can definitely make my husband and I a mom and dad.
1 Samuel explains the story of Samuel's mother, Hannah. She also could not have a baby; "the Lord had closed her womb" (1 Samuel 1:6). But she wanted a son so badly (just like me!) that "she, greatly distressed, prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly" (1 Samuel 1:10). And if you can guess, she had her baby boy, Samuel. There is much more to that story, but Hannah desperately wanted a son so she prayed, and it was so. This gives me great encouragement.
But I am more at ease. I don't know how God does it, but I think He took all the options away from me so I would put all my trust and hope solely in Him. I simply cannot look to anything else, not because I am this super awesome Christian and it's just amazingly easy for me (because I'm not and it's not by the way), but because God knows that I'm human and I fail, and He wants me to rely on Him and Him alone. He's taken all the options away from me (doctors, medicine, etc) except for Him. He is all that is left, and He was there in the beginning. After everything has been stripped away, He's still standing. He's still my rock and still my foundation and will always be.
Our Bible study group at work is doing a lesson on prayer tomorrow. As I was going through it, I couldn't help but think how simple it seems, and yet we make it so complicated. Mark 11:23-24 says (and this is Jesus speaking), "Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Betaken up and cast into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him. Therefore, I say to you, all things for which you pray and ask, believe that you have received them, and they will be granted you."
There are tons of versus about praying and the power of prayer. After going through the lesson, I've learned that you have to pray earnestly, never ceasing. I am really bad at this. Sure I pray, but I just pray when I think about it here and there. I should do it all the time and not because I should, but because I genuinely want to. I like talking to my best friend all the time right, so why wouldn't I want to talk to Jesus all the time? The DJ of the Christian radio station I listen to said he and his wife were on the beach and he lost his wedding ring in the ocean. They looked for it and couldn't find it. The next day they looked for it, couldn't find it but decided to pray to find the ring. Right after he prayed, he looked down and the ring was right by his foot IN THE OCEAN. How does that happen? The current and undertow and tide and a full day later it was right by his foot? That's almost unbelievable except that I know God can perform miracles like that all day long. And the cool part is that we can actually be a part of that if we just pray fervently. God can make a tiny little ring appear in a gigantic ocean; He can definitely make my husband and I a mom and dad.
1 Samuel explains the story of Samuel's mother, Hannah. She also could not have a baby; "the Lord had closed her womb" (1 Samuel 1:6). But she wanted a son so badly (just like me!) that "she, greatly distressed, prayed to the Lord and wept bitterly" (1 Samuel 1:10). And if you can guess, she had her baby boy, Samuel. There is much more to that story, but Hannah desperately wanted a son so she prayed, and it was so. This gives me great encouragement.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Disappointment and Hope
This week has been pretty rough. My FSH levels dropped as I reported earlier, which was what we had hoped for. Then I had to take shots in my stomach for five days to grow an egg inside one follicle in just one ovary. These shots are the same shots given to IVF patients in order to develop many eggs to extract. The side affect of the shots is that so many eggs can develop that the ovaries may become swollen and painful. My doctor told me not to even worry about this, though, because we were shooting for just one egg. These shots were expensive as you can imagine. Another incredible blessing: our doctor paid for over half of the bills for these shots. I still can't hardly believe that.
I went in Monday to get an ultra sound to see if the shots were working. First blow of bad news, no...didn't even budge. So my husband and I were given the option to either try again or quit. The doctor said he really didn't know if it would work and didn't particularly want us spending a lot of money on it if it wouldn't. I appreciated his honesty, and my husband and I talked it over. My biggest fear was that in a couple years would I always think to myself, "I should have just tried it"? So we went for another round.
This time I did a larger dosage of the medicine, but just for three days. I went this morning and sat in my car before going in. "God please let it be an absolute no or an obvious yes; I don't want to have to make this decision again." Second blow of bad news, but an answer to my prayer, no....didn't even budge. So here's where I sit. The decision was easily made, no more shots or pills or other medicine. Reality: my husband and I cannot have our own baby together.
I say "cannot" with hesitation. I still absolutely believe God is capable of miracles and may decide to let us be a part of this one. So in the world's eyes, I cannot have a child, but in God's eyes anything is possible.
Monday night after getting the first blow of bad news, my husband and I were just sitting together in silence. I was crying of course, and I couldn't help but wonder why I was crying. I thought back on all the times through this process when I have cried and why. Each time (the duplicate tests, diagnosis, now...) I realized I was disappointed because something I had placed my hope in had failed me. I'm lying on the couch in my tears thinking about this, and out of nowhere I think "put your hope in God". It hit me hard (which is what God has to do to me to get my attention). Even though God has placed all these things around me (doctors, medicines, etc) to help me try to get pregnant, they are not meant to be my source of hope; they are simply meant to be instruments in God's works.
Hope is an expectation. To have hope in someone or something, is to have an expectation for someone or something. Is that realistic? Only God is perfect and only God can be expected of greatness; He will never fail us. God has put incredibly intelligent doctors in my path and medicine that astounds me, but God did not do that so He could take a break. He did that to show me that even the great on this Earth do not compare to His greatness.
"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5 - that's one for the memory bank for sure.
I went in Monday to get an ultra sound to see if the shots were working. First blow of bad news, no...didn't even budge. So my husband and I were given the option to either try again or quit. The doctor said he really didn't know if it would work and didn't particularly want us spending a lot of money on it if it wouldn't. I appreciated his honesty, and my husband and I talked it over. My biggest fear was that in a couple years would I always think to myself, "I should have just tried it"? So we went for another round.
This time I did a larger dosage of the medicine, but just for three days. I went this morning and sat in my car before going in. "God please let it be an absolute no or an obvious yes; I don't want to have to make this decision again." Second blow of bad news, but an answer to my prayer, no....didn't even budge. So here's where I sit. The decision was easily made, no more shots or pills or other medicine. Reality: my husband and I cannot have our own baby together.
I say "cannot" with hesitation. I still absolutely believe God is capable of miracles and may decide to let us be a part of this one. So in the world's eyes, I cannot have a child, but in God's eyes anything is possible.
Monday night after getting the first blow of bad news, my husband and I were just sitting together in silence. I was crying of course, and I couldn't help but wonder why I was crying. I thought back on all the times through this process when I have cried and why. Each time (the duplicate tests, diagnosis, now...) I realized I was disappointed because something I had placed my hope in had failed me. I'm lying on the couch in my tears thinking about this, and out of nowhere I think "put your hope in God". It hit me hard (which is what God has to do to me to get my attention). Even though God has placed all these things around me (doctors, medicines, etc) to help me try to get pregnant, they are not meant to be my source of hope; they are simply meant to be instruments in God's works.
Hope is an expectation. To have hope in someone or something, is to have an expectation for someone or something. Is that realistic? Only God is perfect and only God can be expected of greatness; He will never fail us. God has put incredibly intelligent doctors in my path and medicine that astounds me, but God did not do that so He could take a break. He did that to show me that even the great on this Earth do not compare to His greatness.
"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5 - that's one for the memory bank for sure.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Faithfulness
I am in a Bible study group at work every Thursday during lunch. I have to be really grateful that we are allowed to meet, because I work in a big corporation where religious practices (of any kind) are usually not tolerated. We are going through just a variety of topics and researching them within the Bible. A couple of weeks ago we studied faithfulness.
I think we all know what faithfulness means, but I don't know if we truly grasp the idea of it (or at least I don't). According to the Bible we know that God is faithful and has to be faithful; He can't not be faithful. I think the reason we may not fully get this concept is because we, as humans, can so easily not be faithful. It's easy for me to make a commitment and break it. For example, I made a hair appointment and now I have to cancel it because I scheduled something else for the same time. I know that's a little thing, but we (or I) do stuff like this far too often. I need to be more like God; I want my faithfulness to reach to the skies (Psalm 36:5).
One other really great thought God showed me through this lesson (one of many) was the illustration of the talents Jesus talked about in Matthew 25. It's about a man who went on a journey, but he first gave three slaves talents (money). He gave one slave five pieces, another two, and another one. The slaves with five and two pieces took very good care of their responsibility and even earned more pieces to give to the man when he returned from his journey. However, the slave with only one piece was afraid to lose it so he just buried it and didn't earn any other pieces. In verses 21 and 23, the man tells the other two slaves, "Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master." The point of this illustration Jesus is trying to make is that we can't expect to get more if we aren't faithful (i.e. stable, secure, trustworthy, steadfast, truthful, committed, etc) with what we currently have.
I have been insanely busy this year, and I have taken on way too many responsibilities. I don't think I have been faithful to any of them, truly faithful anyway. One of my biggest pet peeves is someone saying they are going to do something and then not doing it. So I always do my absolute best to follow through with something I say I'm going to do. This bites me though, because I commit to something, but am so committed to it, something else in my life has to suffer. Unfortunately, this year I have taken on so many commitments, I can't truly stay faithful to any one because it overlaps another. So honestly, if I cannot be faithful to keep a hair appointment (or keep my house clean or read my Bible or....on and on), what right do I have to ask God to give me more? I can hear the conversation now: "But God, I know I can handle a baby too". "Yeah right, Jessie. How about you get a handle on what you already have first".
So my goal for this year is for God to say to me "Well done, good and faithful servant. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your Master." And of course, by "many things", I'm hoping He means baby.
I think we all know what faithfulness means, but I don't know if we truly grasp the idea of it (or at least I don't). According to the Bible we know that God is faithful and has to be faithful; He can't not be faithful. I think the reason we may not fully get this concept is because we, as humans, can so easily not be faithful. It's easy for me to make a commitment and break it. For example, I made a hair appointment and now I have to cancel it because I scheduled something else for the same time. I know that's a little thing, but we (or I) do stuff like this far too often. I need to be more like God; I want my faithfulness to reach to the skies (Psalm 36:5).
One other really great thought God showed me through this lesson (one of many) was the illustration of the talents Jesus talked about in Matthew 25. It's about a man who went on a journey, but he first gave three slaves talents (money). He gave one slave five pieces, another two, and another one. The slaves with five and two pieces took very good care of their responsibility and even earned more pieces to give to the man when he returned from his journey. However, the slave with only one piece was afraid to lose it so he just buried it and didn't earn any other pieces. In verses 21 and 23, the man tells the other two slaves, "Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master." The point of this illustration Jesus is trying to make is that we can't expect to get more if we aren't faithful (i.e. stable, secure, trustworthy, steadfast, truthful, committed, etc) with what we currently have.
I have been insanely busy this year, and I have taken on way too many responsibilities. I don't think I have been faithful to any of them, truly faithful anyway. One of my biggest pet peeves is someone saying they are going to do something and then not doing it. So I always do my absolute best to follow through with something I say I'm going to do. This bites me though, because I commit to something, but am so committed to it, something else in my life has to suffer. Unfortunately, this year I have taken on so many commitments, I can't truly stay faithful to any one because it overlaps another. So honestly, if I cannot be faithful to keep a hair appointment (or keep my house clean or read my Bible or....on and on), what right do I have to ask God to give me more? I can hear the conversation now: "But God, I know I can handle a baby too". "Yeah right, Jessie. How about you get a handle on what you already have first".
So my goal for this year is for God to say to me "Well done, good and faithful servant. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your Master." And of course, by "many things", I'm hoping He means baby.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Decisions....Decisions....
If you know me, you know that I'm terrible at making decisions. I analyze everything way too much. My Sunday School teacher always says, "if God just wrote it in the sky, I would do it". That's so very true. I want to do what God wants me to do; the hard part is knowing what that is.
So the major life decision my husband and I were faced with recently was what to do in order to try to have a baby. Thanks to God's ability to hit me in the face with the answer, we know what we're doing. I honestly can't tell you how He does that, but I know when He's behind a decision because I am confiendent in it and don't question it. I'm at peace with our decision, because I know God is backing us up.
For several reasons, my husband and I have decided not to do IVF. Maybe in a few years or so we might visit this option again, but for now we are passing. I'm not too bummed about this though, because I haven't totally been sold on this option since the beginning anyway.
So we decided to go the experimental route. I was scolded on calling it an "experiment" at the doctor's office, by the way. The medication and treatments are not experimental, it's just what they are doing to treat this specific problem that is new. This route is much less expensive than IVF and the end result would be a baby from both my husband and me. A healthy man and woman trying to have a baby have between a 20-25% chance per month of getting pregnant. If everything goes well with this process, the doctor thinks my chances will bump up to a 15% chance. I know that doesn't sound very good, but right now my body has a 0% chance so 15% looks pretty appealing from here.
I have been taking estrogen three times a day for three weeks now with only one week remaining. The goal of this medicine is to decrease my FSH level to a 10 or lower and increase my ovulation. I thought my FSH level was a 44 (as I've said before), but they took the level right before I started the medicine to see how far we have to go, and it was a 76. Ouch! My optimism plummetted when I found this out. My doctor told me we are going to try to lower the FSH level in 4 weeks; if it doesn't work in that amount of time, it's not going to and we abondon this ship completely. So I've been getting my FSH level tested once a week to see if it's dropping. I'm very pleased to report that the first week it went down to a 33.6, then 23, and just this week it went down to a 14! After I got the first call saying the level went down to 33.6, I was really excited, but I immidately asked God to not let this be a false hope. I have learned to try to not get too excited, otherwise it will be harder to get over if something doesn't happen the way I thought it would. So I'm just focusing on the here and now and realize my end result is only 15%. I have peace though, because I know this is what God wants us to do, and I also know He is amazing so 15% to Him is super easy to work with because everything is easy for Him. That's why it's so great having Him in my life.
So the major life decision my husband and I were faced with recently was what to do in order to try to have a baby. Thanks to God's ability to hit me in the face with the answer, we know what we're doing. I honestly can't tell you how He does that, but I know when He's behind a decision because I am confiendent in it and don't question it. I'm at peace with our decision, because I know God is backing us up.
For several reasons, my husband and I have decided not to do IVF. Maybe in a few years or so we might visit this option again, but for now we are passing. I'm not too bummed about this though, because I haven't totally been sold on this option since the beginning anyway.
So we decided to go the experimental route. I was scolded on calling it an "experiment" at the doctor's office, by the way. The medication and treatments are not experimental, it's just what they are doing to treat this specific problem that is new. This route is much less expensive than IVF and the end result would be a baby from both my husband and me. A healthy man and woman trying to have a baby have between a 20-25% chance per month of getting pregnant. If everything goes well with this process, the doctor thinks my chances will bump up to a 15% chance. I know that doesn't sound very good, but right now my body has a 0% chance so 15% looks pretty appealing from here.
I have been taking estrogen three times a day for three weeks now with only one week remaining. The goal of this medicine is to decrease my FSH level to a 10 or lower and increase my ovulation. I thought my FSH level was a 44 (as I've said before), but they took the level right before I started the medicine to see how far we have to go, and it was a 76. Ouch! My optimism plummetted when I found this out. My doctor told me we are going to try to lower the FSH level in 4 weeks; if it doesn't work in that amount of time, it's not going to and we abondon this ship completely. So I've been getting my FSH level tested once a week to see if it's dropping. I'm very pleased to report that the first week it went down to a 33.6, then 23, and just this week it went down to a 14! After I got the first call saying the level went down to 33.6, I was really excited, but I immidately asked God to not let this be a false hope. I have learned to try to not get too excited, otherwise it will be harder to get over if something doesn't happen the way I thought it would. So I'm just focusing on the here and now and realize my end result is only 15%. I have peace though, because I know this is what God wants us to do, and I also know He is amazing so 15% to Him is super easy to work with because everything is easy for Him. That's why it's so great having Him in my life.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Different Perspectives
As I read some of my blog posts I realize that I am being pretty selfish actually. I keep reading "I...I...I...me...me...me....how will I be affected...how does this make me feel." I have to understand and realize that this is probably affecting other people as well. I must try to look at this through different perspectives, through the perspectives of others.
God is huge and super clever so when He does something, He doesn't just fix the problem for one person, but the solution seems to involve multiple people and everyone is blessed. I couldn't possibly begin to understand how this situation is affecting other people or who else God is thinking of within the situation, but I do know His solution will be woven between many.
My husband and I decided when we got married, we wanted to be married for a few years before we had children. So we decided after we got married when we were going to start to try for a baby. First mistake...plan around God and not through God. My husband has always wanted kids, but I don't think as deeply as I did. When we started trying, I honestly don't know if he was really ready. I mean he agreed to my "perfectly" timed plan, but I don't know if he was totally ready to be a dad. Now I can see the way he looks at children and the way he talks about having children, and there is a significant difference. Through this I can see that God has been working on my husband's heart. So maybe I would have been ready this whole time and God thought it would have been fine for me to have a child sooner, but my husband wasn't ready and God needed to work on his heart first. I'm thankful for this and again, glad God is in control and not me.
Also, what about the unborn baby? There have always been struggles and issues throughout time, and maybe its just as I get older, but it seems that there are some really crazy, scary things happening in the world. God may not want me to bring a child into this world at this time. I have to remember that God can see the whole picture. I can only see two pieces - what is happening to me right now and what has happened to me in the past. God can see many other pieces - what I can see, but also what is happening tomorrow, what is happening years from now, how people will be affected, how He will be glorified, and on and on. He is so detailed and intricate, but also larger than anything I can imagine. He's pretty much awesome. So...maybe God wants me to wait until a better time for the baby; when the baby will have a better life that will have an impact for Him.
Or...what about a child already in this world that doesn't have a home? If we were to have our own baby, a child may go without a home because he or she is supposed to be with my husband and me. We can offer a good home and love to a child that may not otherwise receive those things. This is why, honestly, I am so thankful I am not in control. When the end result comes, I know I will look back on all this and just praise His name because we will all be blessed. And I probably won't even fully get it until I get to Heaven.
And only God knows who else this situation may be affecting. Maybe I am able to go off and do more mission trips without a child, or maybe my husband is able to help more people. I have to remember that ultimately everything we do has to glorify God. That is our purpose in life; to glorify God by blessing others and bringing others to Christ. So if having a child fits into that purpose, bring it on. If not, I pray God gives me the strength to accept that.
So as I'm going through all of this, I must look at the situation from the perspectives of others. God does have a plan, and not just for me.
God is huge and super clever so when He does something, He doesn't just fix the problem for one person, but the solution seems to involve multiple people and everyone is blessed. I couldn't possibly begin to understand how this situation is affecting other people or who else God is thinking of within the situation, but I do know His solution will be woven between many.
My husband and I decided when we got married, we wanted to be married for a few years before we had children. So we decided after we got married when we were going to start to try for a baby. First mistake...plan around God and not through God. My husband has always wanted kids, but I don't think as deeply as I did. When we started trying, I honestly don't know if he was really ready. I mean he agreed to my "perfectly" timed plan, but I don't know if he was totally ready to be a dad. Now I can see the way he looks at children and the way he talks about having children, and there is a significant difference. Through this I can see that God has been working on my husband's heart. So maybe I would have been ready this whole time and God thought it would have been fine for me to have a child sooner, but my husband wasn't ready and God needed to work on his heart first. I'm thankful for this and again, glad God is in control and not me.
Also, what about the unborn baby? There have always been struggles and issues throughout time, and maybe its just as I get older, but it seems that there are some really crazy, scary things happening in the world. God may not want me to bring a child into this world at this time. I have to remember that God can see the whole picture. I can only see two pieces - what is happening to me right now and what has happened to me in the past. God can see many other pieces - what I can see, but also what is happening tomorrow, what is happening years from now, how people will be affected, how He will be glorified, and on and on. He is so detailed and intricate, but also larger than anything I can imagine. He's pretty much awesome. So...maybe God wants me to wait until a better time for the baby; when the baby will have a better life that will have an impact for Him.
Or...what about a child already in this world that doesn't have a home? If we were to have our own baby, a child may go without a home because he or she is supposed to be with my husband and me. We can offer a good home and love to a child that may not otherwise receive those things. This is why, honestly, I am so thankful I am not in control. When the end result comes, I know I will look back on all this and just praise His name because we will all be blessed. And I probably won't even fully get it until I get to Heaven.
And only God knows who else this situation may be affecting. Maybe I am able to go off and do more mission trips without a child, or maybe my husband is able to help more people. I have to remember that ultimately everything we do has to glorify God. That is our purpose in life; to glorify God by blessing others and bringing others to Christ. So if having a child fits into that purpose, bring it on. If not, I pray God gives me the strength to accept that.
So as I'm going through all of this, I must look at the situation from the perspectives of others. God does have a plan, and not just for me.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Premature Ovarian Failure
Well unfortunately it's official; I have what's called Premature Ovarian Failure (POF), or what my doctor likes to call Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (because it just sounds better). Either way it's not the best news for a girl who wants to get pregnant. I've been to my specialist's office three times and two times he has told me what he thought I had. I didn't want to write it out or research it because in the back of my mind I thought "well he could be wrong". So a couple of weeks ago they ran the necessary tests to confirm his theory and a couple of days ago the results came back. My body is creating antibodies which are fighting off my ovaries. Because my ovaries are failing, they are not producing effective eggs or the proper levels of estrogen. Because I don't produce effective eggs, my infertility meter just shot through the roof. One glimmer of hope...about 6-8% of women with POF can still become pregnant so I'm really clinging onto that tiny positive detail at this point and praying I'm in that 6-8%.
POF is pretty rare, but for women to have it under the age of 30 (me), it's really rare. I'm only 1 in 1000. It's crazy because my doctor told me that he was at an infertility conference several weeks ago and was talking to another specialist there about my case. I didn't even realize I had a case. The tests they ran on me are also rare. He told me to come back the next day so they could research exactly how to run the tests as they only order them once or twice a year.
Naturally one of our first questions to the doctor was how to fix it. Here's where the bad news comes in. Based on the research I have done and what my doctor has told me, POF can't be "fixed". There are a couple of options I have, though.
1. In Vitro Fertilization using an egg donor
2. Experimental hormone therapy
3. Adoption
In vitro fertilization with an egg donor throws me for a loop. When he first said this as an option my mouth dropped, "so I can't have my own baby?" "No" was his answer. Talk about a reality check. I thought all along my ovaries just weren't releasing my eggs, but actually they aren't even producing eggs or at least good eggs to even release. So with this treatment option they would fertilize the eggs from another woman with my husband's sperm. Does this sound weird to anyone else? We still need to obviously research and weigh our options on this, but it's really expensive, has only about a 50-60% success rate, and they aren't my eggs. This reminds me of Abraham and Sarah in the Bible. Sarah also couldn't have a baby for her husband so allowed him to sleep with another woman in order to give him a son. That worked, but God didn't exactly bless that decision. Not saying this is the same, but a lot still to think about.
The other specialist at this infertility conference my doctor was talking to about me has done a study in Spain with 50 young women who have POF. From what I've read, they all have what seems to be the same symptoms and tests results as me. He gave 25 of the women estrogen to increase ovulation and to lower their FSH level (remember mine is 44 and it should be 10 or lower). These women's FSH levels did decrease and ovulation did increase compared to the 25 women that were given the placebo. Also, out of these 25 women that received estrogen, 4 women did get pregnant. My doctor hasn't ever done this type of treatment for this diagnosis, though. So again, a lot to still think about.
And of course adoption. I haven't researched it at all yet, but know that it's a very real possibility. I really want a baby and I really want to be a mom; I don't think I'm opposed at this point how I get there. So...a lot to still think about.
I do still believe, though, that God has a plan and God can perform miracles. All babies are miracles, but it seems that in my case, that's the only way I'm getting a baby. But you know what? Receiving the greatest gift of a child as a miracle through God sounds pretty amazing to me.
POF is pretty rare, but for women to have it under the age of 30 (me), it's really rare. I'm only 1 in 1000. It's crazy because my doctor told me that he was at an infertility conference several weeks ago and was talking to another specialist there about my case. I didn't even realize I had a case. The tests they ran on me are also rare. He told me to come back the next day so they could research exactly how to run the tests as they only order them once or twice a year.
Naturally one of our first questions to the doctor was how to fix it. Here's where the bad news comes in. Based on the research I have done and what my doctor has told me, POF can't be "fixed". There are a couple of options I have, though.
1. In Vitro Fertilization using an egg donor
2. Experimental hormone therapy
3. Adoption
In vitro fertilization with an egg donor throws me for a loop. When he first said this as an option my mouth dropped, "so I can't have my own baby?" "No" was his answer. Talk about a reality check. I thought all along my ovaries just weren't releasing my eggs, but actually they aren't even producing eggs or at least good eggs to even release. So with this treatment option they would fertilize the eggs from another woman with my husband's sperm. Does this sound weird to anyone else? We still need to obviously research and weigh our options on this, but it's really expensive, has only about a 50-60% success rate, and they aren't my eggs. This reminds me of Abraham and Sarah in the Bible. Sarah also couldn't have a baby for her husband so allowed him to sleep with another woman in order to give him a son. That worked, but God didn't exactly bless that decision. Not saying this is the same, but a lot still to think about.
The other specialist at this infertility conference my doctor was talking to about me has done a study in Spain with 50 young women who have POF. From what I've read, they all have what seems to be the same symptoms and tests results as me. He gave 25 of the women estrogen to increase ovulation and to lower their FSH level (remember mine is 44 and it should be 10 or lower). These women's FSH levels did decrease and ovulation did increase compared to the 25 women that were given the placebo. Also, out of these 25 women that received estrogen, 4 women did get pregnant. My doctor hasn't ever done this type of treatment for this diagnosis, though. So again, a lot to still think about.
And of course adoption. I haven't researched it at all yet, but know that it's a very real possibility. I really want a baby and I really want to be a mom; I don't think I'm opposed at this point how I get there. So...a lot to still think about.
I do still believe, though, that God has a plan and God can perform miracles. All babies are miracles, but it seems that in my case, that's the only way I'm getting a baby. But you know what? Receiving the greatest gift of a child as a miracle through God sounds pretty amazing to me.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Source of True Satisfaction
I've already mentioned how great my husband is, but he is seriously a dream husband (hopefully nobody vomits as I say that). He is super handy, he is great with money, and I trust him 100% in everything. He basically can do everything I can't do and more, and I depend on him a lot (probably too much sometimes). God has blessed him with many talents. I don't think I have nearly as many as he does, but I do feel like God has given me the talent (I guess that's what you'd call it) of being good with kids. I've heard that from several people and do often think it's true. I can somehow connect with kids which gives me their respect and I genuinely love seeing their little smiles and how proud they get when they learn something. I have a huge sense of satisfaction when I can be around children and I just want that everyday; I just want to be a mom.
I was in church this morning and Dennis Jernigan came (awesome by the way), and we all sang his song Who Can Satisfy My Soul. Between the singing and the music and the emotion in the church, I was hit by what felt like a ton of bricks. I don't need a child to satisfy my soul, because Jesus is the only real source of true satisfaction. Today I realized that life on Earth is a tiny little speck on the timeline of eternity and yes, I really want children while I'm on this Earth, but if I don't, it will be okay. My stomach still drops as I write those words, but the lesson is slowly sinking in.
We have a really great preacher where I go to church, and a few weeks ago he did a sermon on the fact that Jesus is and should be enough in our lives. He had four main points:
1. You can give more when Jesus is enough
2. You can go without when Jesus is enough
3. You can live with gratitude with Jesus is enough
4. You can learn and grow a lot when Jesus is enough
The point that really stands out to me is the second one: you can go without when Jesus is enough. It will be okay if I don't have children because Jesus is so big and so powerful that He is more than enough to offer me satisfaction. So even though I feel this incredible desire to have children and even though I feel God has given me talents to be a great mom, I don't have to have children or be a mom to be satisfied. Jesus is enough. It's not easy, even though it should be, and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't suck that I can't just have a "normal" little life and have kids now cause that's what I had planned, but it will be okay because only Jesus satisfies my soul and He is enough.
I was in church this morning and Dennis Jernigan came (awesome by the way), and we all sang his song Who Can Satisfy My Soul. Between the singing and the music and the emotion in the church, I was hit by what felt like a ton of bricks. I don't need a child to satisfy my soul, because Jesus is the only real source of true satisfaction. Today I realized that life on Earth is a tiny little speck on the timeline of eternity and yes, I really want children while I'm on this Earth, but if I don't, it will be okay. My stomach still drops as I write those words, but the lesson is slowly sinking in.
We have a really great preacher where I go to church, and a few weeks ago he did a sermon on the fact that Jesus is and should be enough in our lives. He had four main points:
1. You can give more when Jesus is enough
2. You can go without when Jesus is enough
3. You can live with gratitude with Jesus is enough
4. You can learn and grow a lot when Jesus is enough
The point that really stands out to me is the second one: you can go without when Jesus is enough. It will be okay if I don't have children because Jesus is so big and so powerful that He is more than enough to offer me satisfaction. So even though I feel this incredible desire to have children and even though I feel God has given me talents to be a great mom, I don't have to have children or be a mom to be satisfied. Jesus is enough. It's not easy, even though it should be, and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't suck that I can't just have a "normal" little life and have kids now cause that's what I had planned, but it will be okay because only Jesus satisfies my soul and He is enough.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
God is so creative when choosing what and who will teach me a lesson. I'm currently helping teach Vacation Bible School to 2nd graders, and our memory verse during the first night (the same night I was in charge of the lesson by the way) was Psalm 139:14 -
"I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well."
This really got me to thinking. The world says my ovaries don't work right, which is true I guess for getting pregnant and having a baby of my own. But I have to remember that I been fearfully and wonderfully made by God so actually they work just the way God intended in order for me to live out the purpose He has planned. Again, I don't know what that plan is, but I'm looking forward to finding out.
Someone I know recently told me that he and his wife couldn't have a baby either. Their doctor even told them flat out "you will never get pregnant" and even questioned why they were still trying. Eventually they left that doctor and several years later did miraculously get pregnant. When they went in for delivery, their current doctor was away, so guess who delivered their baby (the baby that couldn't be)? Yep, their previous doctor that said she would never be pregnant! That was not a coincidence. That was definitely God wanting to show that doctor that He can create something out of nothing. So her body didn't work just right either to have a baby, but God made her that way so she could be an instrument in God's work in showing that doctor that He does exist and can still preform miracles.
There's a great song out right now called More Beautiful You by Johnny Diaz that I really like. Part of the chorus says,
"You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you."
So even though my ovaries may not work "right", they do work perfectly for the plan God has in store for me because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made.
"I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well."
This really got me to thinking. The world says my ovaries don't work right, which is true I guess for getting pregnant and having a baby of my own. But I have to remember that I been fearfully and wonderfully made by God so actually they work just the way God intended in order for me to live out the purpose He has planned. Again, I don't know what that plan is, but I'm looking forward to finding out.
Someone I know recently told me that he and his wife couldn't have a baby either. Their doctor even told them flat out "you will never get pregnant" and even questioned why they were still trying. Eventually they left that doctor and several years later did miraculously get pregnant. When they went in for delivery, their current doctor was away, so guess who delivered their baby (the baby that couldn't be)? Yep, their previous doctor that said she would never be pregnant! That was not a coincidence. That was definitely God wanting to show that doctor that He can create something out of nothing. So her body didn't work just right either to have a baby, but God made her that way so she could be an instrument in God's work in showing that doctor that He does exist and can still preform miracles.
There's a great song out right now called More Beautiful You by Johnny Diaz that I really like. Part of the chorus says,
"You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you."
So even though my ovaries may not work "right", they do work perfectly for the plan God has in store for me because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Making God #1
When my husband and I thought we were ready to have a baby, it was a really exciting time. I would envision what the nursery would look like, what crafty little things I would attempt to make for the baby, and of course, names. Thankfully my husband is the practical one and told me, "we'll have 9 whole months to think of a name; let's just wait until you're pregnant before talking about that." That made pretty decent sense to me so we didn't talk about it. I can see now, that in itself was a blessing, because if we would have talked about it or looked names up, things may be harder at this point.
Another thing I did in the beginning was read books...lots of pregnancy books. Mainly how to keep myself healthy, what to eat, and those things. So I started to eat better and drink less frappuccinos (that was hard). But after several months of trying for a baby and nothing, I started to think more about my priorities. For the 4 or so months prior I realized my priority had suddenly become having a baby. I wasn't focused on anything else, including God. I realized I needed to step back and refocus my attention on what's more important and really the only thing in life I should be focused on. It's funny how God works. I can worry and worry about things, and my life just seems to get more and more tangled up. But as soon as I stop and make sure God is my #1 priority, everything works out. Isn't that so cool? God works it all out; He always does and always will.
So I stopped reading the pregnancy books. My life is pretty busy with all sorts of schedules and projects (which I do to myself I know), so getting to read is a rarity. So when I did have time to read, pregnancy books were it. So now that I wasn't consuming my time with those, I had made time to read my Bible. It was truly amazing. I can't honestly remember what specific passages I read, but I do remember how much peace I instantly felt. I wasn't as stressed at work and the best part was that I wasn't consumed by this idea that I wasn't getting pregnant as quickly as I had hoped. It's difficult to explain, but having my thoughts engulfed by one single thought is exhausting. I gave it all to God when I started reading my Bible on a more regular basis. I didn't want to have to think about having a baby anymore; I finally realized I just wanted God to do what He does better than me - plan my life instead of me trying to worry about it all the time. And the only way I could let Him do that was to get Him back into my top priority.
I think I sometimes try to look to other sources (i.e. friends, spouse, books, etc.) to find the answers to today's problems, no matter the problem, instead of looking to my true source. If I can just learn to make and keep God #1 in my life, He will take care of me.
Matthew 6:25-27, 33
"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? ... But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
Another thing I did in the beginning was read books...lots of pregnancy books. Mainly how to keep myself healthy, what to eat, and those things. So I started to eat better and drink less frappuccinos (that was hard). But after several months of trying for a baby and nothing, I started to think more about my priorities. For the 4 or so months prior I realized my priority had suddenly become having a baby. I wasn't focused on anything else, including God. I realized I needed to step back and refocus my attention on what's more important and really the only thing in life I should be focused on. It's funny how God works. I can worry and worry about things, and my life just seems to get more and more tangled up. But as soon as I stop and make sure God is my #1 priority, everything works out. Isn't that so cool? God works it all out; He always does and always will.
So I stopped reading the pregnancy books. My life is pretty busy with all sorts of schedules and projects (which I do to myself I know), so getting to read is a rarity. So when I did have time to read, pregnancy books were it. So now that I wasn't consuming my time with those, I had made time to read my Bible. It was truly amazing. I can't honestly remember what specific passages I read, but I do remember how much peace I instantly felt. I wasn't as stressed at work and the best part was that I wasn't consumed by this idea that I wasn't getting pregnant as quickly as I had hoped. It's difficult to explain, but having my thoughts engulfed by one single thought is exhausting. I gave it all to God when I started reading my Bible on a more regular basis. I didn't want to have to think about having a baby anymore; I finally realized I just wanted God to do what He does better than me - plan my life instead of me trying to worry about it all the time. And the only way I could let Him do that was to get Him back into my top priority.
I think I sometimes try to look to other sources (i.e. friends, spouse, books, etc.) to find the answers to today's problems, no matter the problem, instead of looking to my true source. If I can just learn to make and keep God #1 in my life, He will take care of me.
Matthew 6:25-27, 33
"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? ... But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Desires of the Heart
One of my favorite verses is "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of the heart." found in Psalm 37:4. It's so fitting for this situation. I often hear women in this situation ask "Why would God put a desire in my heart to have a child, and then not allow me to have one?" I also want to ask this question, but I won't; I don't think it's my place to know why. We are little tiny beings who can't even begin to fathom what God is thinking or what His intentions are. Even if He told me why, I wouldn't get it.
I absolutely know that God does everything for a reason and that reason is to glorify God. With that said, I believe God did put a desire for children in my heart for a reason in order to glorify Him. I also know that God is so amazing that every minor or unnoticed detail is a perfectly planned detail in the big picture which will be fulfilled. With that said, God didn't just throw some random desire my way just because and then not have a plan to fulfill it. So to answer the "Why give me the desire and not fulfill it" question, I say that I KNOW God put this desire in me for a reason and I know God WILL fulfill it. I don't know when and I don't know how, but I am confident it will be done.
I also believe that we as humans, probably don't know our own desires as well as God knows them. I mean God knows how many hairs are in my head and I only know that I have a lot of them and they're all "blonde". If God knows that minor detail better than me, what makes me think I know such major details like my desires better than God knows them? Good question...I don't. God can see straight through my heart. So I feel the desire is there for me to have my own baby right now, but God knows my true desire. Why would I put God in a little box and ask Him to fulfill my immediate desire, when He is so much bigger than that and so capable of fulfilling His true desire He gave me that will also fulfill His plan which will glorify Him? I'd much prefer the latter.
I try to think about it as I did my dating life. I remember being in high-school and college being the drama queen I try to avoid. Crying after many break-ups, I would say the infamous lines every girl says at least once in her life, "I'm never going to get married" or "I'm never going to meet anybody." But, as it turns out, I did meet someone, and he is more perfect than anyone I could have picked out for myself. I love so many things about him, but his aspect that I love the most is just the feeling he gives me when I'm with him. I met him a month before I graduated college and moved back home. At the time I thought that was a horrible time to meet, but it was actually ideal because we were both able to experience so much that when we did meet, it was an obvious match. So I try to remember this when trying to have a baby. I can't have one now and maybe I'll never be able to, but when my true desire for a child is fulfilled, no matter how God fulfills it, he (or she or they) will be so much more perfect than I could have imagined and the timing couldn't be better.
I absolutely know that God does everything for a reason and that reason is to glorify God. With that said, I believe God did put a desire for children in my heart for a reason in order to glorify Him. I also know that God is so amazing that every minor or unnoticed detail is a perfectly planned detail in the big picture which will be fulfilled. With that said, God didn't just throw some random desire my way just because and then not have a plan to fulfill it. So to answer the "Why give me the desire and not fulfill it" question, I say that I KNOW God put this desire in me for a reason and I know God WILL fulfill it. I don't know when and I don't know how, but I am confident it will be done.
I also believe that we as humans, probably don't know our own desires as well as God knows them. I mean God knows how many hairs are in my head and I only know that I have a lot of them and they're all "blonde". If God knows that minor detail better than me, what makes me think I know such major details like my desires better than God knows them? Good question...I don't. God can see straight through my heart. So I feel the desire is there for me to have my own baby right now, but God knows my true desire. Why would I put God in a little box and ask Him to fulfill my immediate desire, when He is so much bigger than that and so capable of fulfilling His true desire He gave me that will also fulfill His plan which will glorify Him? I'd much prefer the latter.
I try to think about it as I did my dating life. I remember being in high-school and college being the drama queen I try to avoid. Crying after many break-ups, I would say the infamous lines every girl says at least once in her life, "I'm never going to get married" or "I'm never going to meet anybody." But, as it turns out, I did meet someone, and he is more perfect than anyone I could have picked out for myself. I love so many things about him, but his aspect that I love the most is just the feeling he gives me when I'm with him. I met him a month before I graduated college and moved back home. At the time I thought that was a horrible time to meet, but it was actually ideal because we were both able to experience so much that when we did meet, it was an obvious match. So I try to remember this when trying to have a baby. I can't have one now and maybe I'll never be able to, but when my true desire for a child is fulfilled, no matter how God fulfills it, he (or she or they) will be so much more perfect than I could have imagined and the timing couldn't be better.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Praise You in This Storm
So far there really have been only two times that I've been really upset about not getting pregnant. First when I found out the doctors were just going to do the same tests on me so I thought we weren't getting anywhere, and second when the specialist told me he thought I had Ovarian Inefficiency. During the first time, I remember just sobbing while I was taking a shower. I don't remember really thinking anything except saddness, no words. But then the only thing that popped in my mind was Casting Crowns' "Praise You in the Storm". The words are so powerful and so appropriate it was amazing. Again, God is so good at putting exactly what you need in your face at the perfect moment. I just stood in the shower, crying and singing that song to myself. I wasn't just singing the song, but I really made the whole song my prayer and spoke every word very diliberately.
Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
I think it's really easy for me to praise God and thank Him for all the marvalous things he does for me when I'm going through good times; it's harder to praise Him when I'm going through tough times. At that moment, I know God was teaching me to always be thankful and praise Him even in the tough times, cause He's so big and always the same God no matter what I'm going through.
Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms
I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
I think it's really easy for me to praise God and thank Him for all the marvalous things he does for me when I'm going through good times; it's harder to praise Him when I'm going through tough times. At that moment, I know God was teaching me to always be thankful and praise Him even in the tough times, cause He's so big and always the same God no matter what I'm going through.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Rollercoaster of Emotions
After a full year of trying (which I do realize isn't that long) and after having only 4 periods, when I called the doctor and asked what we were going to do next, they said that we were going to do the same tests again. This got me pretty frustrated because I had already done those tests; why are we doing them again...shouldn't we move on to something else? I went in very reluctantly to have my blood drawn and wasn't at all anxious for the call I would get a week later because I knew what they were going to say; the same thing they had said many times before - "Everything appears normal so here's some pills and hopefully they'll work". Now obviously that's not exactly what they had told me, but that's pretty much what I heard.
After taking the tests I went home and cried. That was the first time I got upset in over a year. I even remember at one point a few months earlier asking God if something was wrong with me that I wasn't upset about not getting pregnant. I had seen women get upset way before that. Like I said earlier, the first year really was okay, because I did have 100% faith that God would work it out. However, I also had faith in the doctors who were helping me, but when they told me they really didn't know what was wrong and that they just wanted to test the same stuff again, I lost that faith. I lost that hope that they would make me all better. And that's when I finally cried for the first time. I felt that I had hit a roadblock and didn't know where to turn next. If my doctors didn't know what to do, then who would? So I hadn't even got the results, but I just knew they would be normal and we'd be back where we were a year ago - nowhere.
God is really amazing and can completely surprise you sometimes. He did with me when I did finally get my test results back; the doctor didn't say I was normal. She said one of my hormones was a little high and they were referring me to a specialist. I can't even begin to tell you exactly how I felt right then. I seriously let out a deep sigh which felt like I was unloading something huge. Suddenly in that moment I was so happy and thankful. That probably sounds completely opposite of how I should have felt, but after hearing "normal" so many times and knowing that I wasn't, to hear that something might be wrong was actually so refreshing.
So I went to the specialist (whom I really like by the way) and my husband came with me. He said my results of the same tests were so completely opposite from one another that he had a hard time believing they were both mine. He wanted to do them again! Jeez, people. But of course I did them; he wanted to get a better picture of what was going on. Well it turns out that my ovaries don't work right. It's all very technical and kind of hard to follow, but the pituitary gland releases a hormone called FSH to the ovaries to tell them to release the egg from one of their follicles. The doctor said that when he sees the FSH level at a 10, it causes him "anxiety"; he likes to see lower numbers. Well mine is a 44. Obviously he doesn't like this very much. As I understand it, this high number means my FSH is working so hard to get my ovaries to work, but they just aren't. He said he wants to do some more tests first before officially diagnosing me but thinks I have Ovarian Inefficiency. He said if I was 48, he'd call it Menopause, but since I'm just 28 it's called Ovarian Inefficiency. He said that's really just what he likes to call it because the real name is something Ovarian Failure and thinks that's too negative. He said after running more tests, we'll see, but if it is Ovarian Inefficiency, getting pregnant is going to be very hard, very expensive, and will take a very long time. It's a good thing I prepared myself for bluntness.
I cried myself home and told my husband what the doctor said. We both cried about it because it was just kind of a punch to the gut. It's a very weird and eery feeling hearing those words. Who would have thought this would have happened to us? As upset as I was, I felt like giving the doctor a hug as I left his office. I didn't, but I felt like it. He is just so nice and open. I was and am thankful he is going to try to help us. This might sound silly, but when I was in the waiting room, they were playing the same Christian radio station that I listen to. God's really good at giving you just the right amount of peace right when you need it.
After taking the tests I went home and cried. That was the first time I got upset in over a year. I even remember at one point a few months earlier asking God if something was wrong with me that I wasn't upset about not getting pregnant. I had seen women get upset way before that. Like I said earlier, the first year really was okay, because I did have 100% faith that God would work it out. However, I also had faith in the doctors who were helping me, but when they told me they really didn't know what was wrong and that they just wanted to test the same stuff again, I lost that faith. I lost that hope that they would make me all better. And that's when I finally cried for the first time. I felt that I had hit a roadblock and didn't know where to turn next. If my doctors didn't know what to do, then who would? So I hadn't even got the results, but I just knew they would be normal and we'd be back where we were a year ago - nowhere.
God is really amazing and can completely surprise you sometimes. He did with me when I did finally get my test results back; the doctor didn't say I was normal. She said one of my hormones was a little high and they were referring me to a specialist. I can't even begin to tell you exactly how I felt right then. I seriously let out a deep sigh which felt like I was unloading something huge. Suddenly in that moment I was so happy and thankful. That probably sounds completely opposite of how I should have felt, but after hearing "normal" so many times and knowing that I wasn't, to hear that something might be wrong was actually so refreshing.
So I went to the specialist (whom I really like by the way) and my husband came with me. He said my results of the same tests were so completely opposite from one another that he had a hard time believing they were both mine. He wanted to do them again! Jeez, people. But of course I did them; he wanted to get a better picture of what was going on. Well it turns out that my ovaries don't work right. It's all very technical and kind of hard to follow, but the pituitary gland releases a hormone called FSH to the ovaries to tell them to release the egg from one of their follicles. The doctor said that when he sees the FSH level at a 10, it causes him "anxiety"; he likes to see lower numbers. Well mine is a 44. Obviously he doesn't like this very much. As I understand it, this high number means my FSH is working so hard to get my ovaries to work, but they just aren't. He said he wants to do some more tests first before officially diagnosing me but thinks I have Ovarian Inefficiency. He said if I was 48, he'd call it Menopause, but since I'm just 28 it's called Ovarian Inefficiency. He said that's really just what he likes to call it because the real name is something Ovarian Failure and thinks that's too negative. He said after running more tests, we'll see, but if it is Ovarian Inefficiency, getting pregnant is going to be very hard, very expensive, and will take a very long time. It's a good thing I prepared myself for bluntness.
I cried myself home and told my husband what the doctor said. We both cried about it because it was just kind of a punch to the gut. It's a very weird and eery feeling hearing those words. Who would have thought this would have happened to us? As upset as I was, I felt like giving the doctor a hug as I left his office. I didn't, but I felt like it. He is just so nice and open. I was and am thankful he is going to try to help us. This might sound silly, but when I was in the waiting room, they were playing the same Christian radio station that I listen to. God's really good at giving you just the right amount of peace right when you need it.
Friday, June 4, 2010
The Beginning
My husband and I have been married for about 3 1/2 years. We decided over a year ago that we were ready to have a baby. So I went off my birth control, waited a few months and then starting trying. I had always heard that the average time it takes to get pregnant is between 3-6 months and could take up to even a year. My doctor at the time actually even told me not to contact her until I'd been trying for a full year. I had no problem with this, though, because I didn't really think that would be me anyway.
Before we even started trying, but after I stopped my birth control, I had only had two periods in five months. I was a little worried about this because I figured that couldn't be normal and probably not too good for baby-making. I went to the doctor and she ran some tests on me but everything was "normal" (whatever that means). They gave me some medicine, though, to try and jump start my body and force me to have a period...didn't work. Four more months passed and no periods, then I finally had my third period in 9 months. I did then have a period just a month after that so I thought I was in the clear, but that's the last one I had for the year. The doctors still said my tests were "normal", but I had a hard time believing that a 28 year-old woman having four periods in 12 month was normal. So to date, I've had four periods in17 months, and I'm not pregnant.
To be completely honest the first year of trying with no success wasn't too bad; I had prepared myself that it could take awhile. I also had faith that God was in total control. It offers me comfort to know that everything happens for a reason and for the glory of God. It may not be what I want or what I plan, but it is for the ultimate good. I should look at it as an honor to be a part of God's plan for that ultimate good even if it's not what I was expecting.
I definately had my moments of frustration, though, and incredible knots in my stomach while I was waiting for the pregnancy tests to process. I really didn't take that many tests; it's hard to know when you're ovulating, even if you ovulate and when to take a pregnancy test when you don't have a period for 4 straight months. I really just took the tests right before I had to buy more medicine...just in case you know. In the very beginning I always took the tests when my husband was home because I wanted us to find out together. After a while though, I would take them when he wasn't home because I really didn't think they'd be positive. Sometimes I even forgot to look at them after they were finished because I just knew they were going to be negative. I also didn't get disappointed anymore (which is huge if you know me because I get very excited over little things which unfortunately allows me to become easily disappointed); I'd see the test results and just take a deep breath and sigh. I guess you could view that as a lack in my faith. I think it probably was, but God definately knows how to bring you out of that and can suddenly show you amazing things to restore and renew that faith.
Before we even started trying, but after I stopped my birth control, I had only had two periods in five months. I was a little worried about this because I figured that couldn't be normal and probably not too good for baby-making. I went to the doctor and she ran some tests on me but everything was "normal" (whatever that means). They gave me some medicine, though, to try and jump start my body and force me to have a period...didn't work. Four more months passed and no periods, then I finally had my third period in 9 months. I did then have a period just a month after that so I thought I was in the clear, but that's the last one I had for the year. The doctors still said my tests were "normal", but I had a hard time believing that a 28 year-old woman having four periods in 12 month was normal. So to date, I've had four periods in17 months, and I'm not pregnant.
To be completely honest the first year of trying with no success wasn't too bad; I had prepared myself that it could take awhile. I also had faith that God was in total control. It offers me comfort to know that everything happens for a reason and for the glory of God. It may not be what I want or what I plan, but it is for the ultimate good. I should look at it as an honor to be a part of God's plan for that ultimate good even if it's not what I was expecting.
I definately had my moments of frustration, though, and incredible knots in my stomach while I was waiting for the pregnancy tests to process. I really didn't take that many tests; it's hard to know when you're ovulating, even if you ovulate and when to take a pregnancy test when you don't have a period for 4 straight months. I really just took the tests right before I had to buy more medicine...just in case you know. In the very beginning I always took the tests when my husband was home because I wanted us to find out together. After a while though, I would take them when he wasn't home because I really didn't think they'd be positive. Sometimes I even forgot to look at them after they were finished because I just knew they were going to be negative. I also didn't get disappointed anymore (which is huge if you know me because I get very excited over little things which unfortunately allows me to become easily disappointed); I'd see the test results and just take a deep breath and sigh. I guess you could view that as a lack in my faith. I think it probably was, but God definately knows how to bring you out of that and can suddenly show you amazing things to restore and renew that faith.
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