I've already mentioned how great my husband is, but he is seriously a dream husband (hopefully nobody vomits as I say that). He is super handy, he is great with money, and I trust him 100% in everything. He basically can do everything I can't do and more, and I depend on him a lot (probably too much sometimes). God has blessed him with many talents. I don't think I have nearly as many as he does, but I do feel like God has given me the talent (I guess that's what you'd call it) of being good with kids. I've heard that from several people and do often think it's true. I can somehow connect with kids which gives me their respect and I genuinely love seeing their little smiles and how proud they get when they learn something. I have a huge sense of satisfaction when I can be around children and I just want that everyday; I just want to be a mom.
I was in church this morning and Dennis Jernigan came (awesome by the way), and we all sang his song Who Can Satisfy My Soul. Between the singing and the music and the emotion in the church, I was hit by what felt like a ton of bricks. I don't need a child to satisfy my soul, because Jesus is the only real source of true satisfaction. Today I realized that life on Earth is a tiny little speck on the timeline of eternity and yes, I really want children while I'm on this Earth, but if I don't, it will be okay. My stomach still drops as I write those words, but the lesson is slowly sinking in.
We have a really great preacher where I go to church, and a few weeks ago he did a sermon on the fact that Jesus is and should be enough in our lives. He had four main points:
1. You can give more when Jesus is enough
2. You can go without when Jesus is enough
3. You can live with gratitude with Jesus is enough
4. You can learn and grow a lot when Jesus is enough
The point that really stands out to me is the second one: you can go without when Jesus is enough. It will be okay if I don't have children because Jesus is so big and so powerful that He is more than enough to offer me satisfaction. So even though I feel this incredible desire to have children and even though I feel God has given me talents to be a great mom, I don't have to have children or be a mom to be satisfied. Jesus is enough. It's not easy, even though it should be, and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't suck that I can't just have a "normal" little life and have kids now cause that's what I had planned, but it will be okay because only Jesus satisfies my soul and He is enough.
