This week has been pretty rough. My FSH levels dropped as I reported earlier, which was what we had hoped for. Then I had to take shots in my stomach for five days to grow an egg inside one follicle in just one ovary. These shots are the same shots given to IVF patients in order to develop many eggs to extract. The side affect of the shots is that so many eggs can develop that the ovaries may become swollen and painful. My doctor told me not to even worry about this, though, because we were shooting for just one egg. These shots were expensive as you can imagine. Another incredible blessing: our doctor paid for over half of the bills for these shots. I still can't hardly believe that.
I went in Monday to get an ultra sound to see if the shots were working. First blow of bad news, no...didn't even budge. So my husband and I were given the option to either try again or quit. The doctor said he really didn't know if it would work and didn't particularly want us spending a lot of money on it if it wouldn't. I appreciated his honesty, and my husband and I talked it over. My biggest fear was that in a couple years would I always think to myself, "I should have just tried it"? So we went for another round.
This time I did a larger dosage of the medicine, but just for three days. I went this morning and sat in my car before going in. "God please let it be an absolute no or an obvious yes; I don't want to have to make this decision again." Second blow of bad news, but an answer to my prayer, no....didn't even budge. So here's where I sit. The decision was easily made, no more shots or pills or other medicine. Reality: my husband and I cannot have our own baby together.
I say "cannot" with hesitation. I still absolutely believe God is capable of miracles and may decide to let us be a part of this one. So in the world's eyes, I cannot have a child, but in God's eyes anything is possible.
Monday night after getting the first blow of bad news, my husband and I were just sitting together in silence. I was crying of course, and I couldn't help but wonder why I was crying. I thought back on all the times through this process when I have cried and why. Each time (the duplicate tests, diagnosis, now...) I realized I was disappointed because something I had placed my hope in had failed me. I'm lying on the couch in my tears thinking about this, and out of nowhere I think "put your hope in God". It hit me hard (which is what God has to do to me to get my attention). Even though God has placed all these things around me (doctors, medicines, etc) to help me try to get pregnant, they are not meant to be my source of hope; they are simply meant to be instruments in God's works.
Hope is an expectation. To have hope in someone or something, is to have an expectation for someone or something. Is that realistic? Only God is perfect and only God can be expected of greatness; He will never fail us. God has put incredibly intelligent doctors in my path and medicine that astounds me, but God did not do that so He could take a break. He did that to show me that even the great on this Earth do not compare to His greatness.
"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5 - that's one for the memory bank for sure.
