Source of True Satisfaction

I've already mentioned how great my husband is, but he is seriously a dream husband (hopefully nobody vomits as I say that).  He is super handy, he is great with money, and I trust him 100% in everything.  He basically can do everything I can't do and more, and I depend on him a lot (probably too much sometimes).  God has blessed him with many talents.  I don't think I have nearly as many as he does, but I do feel like God has given me the talent (I guess that's what you'd call it) of being good with kids.  I've heard that from several people and do often think it's true.  I can somehow connect with kids which gives me their respect and I genuinely love seeing their little smiles and how proud they get when they learn something.  I have a huge sense of satisfaction when I can be around children and I just want that everyday; I just want to be a mom.

I was in church this morning and Dennis Jernigan came (awesome by the way), and we all sang his song Who Can Satisfy My Soul.  Between the singing and the music and the emotion in the church, I was hit by what felt like a ton of bricks.  I don't need a child to satisfy my soul, because Jesus is the only real source of true satisfaction. Today I realized that life on Earth is a tiny little speck on the timeline of eternity and yes, I really want children while I'm on this Earth, but if I don't, it will be okay.  My stomach still drops as I write those words, but the lesson is slowly sinking in.

We have a really great preacher where I go to church, and a few weeks ago he did a sermon on the fact that Jesus is and should be enough in our lives.  He had four main points:
1. You can give more when Jesus is enough
2. You can go without when Jesus is enough
3. You can live with gratitude with Jesus is enough
4. You can learn and grow a lot when Jesus is enough

The point that really stands out to me is the second one: you can go without when Jesus is enough.  It will be okay if I don't have children because Jesus is so big and so powerful that He is more than enough to offer me satisfaction.  So even though I feel this incredible desire to have children and even though I feel God has given me talents to be a great mom, I don't have to have children or be a mom to be satisfied.  Jesus is enough.  It's not easy, even though it should be, and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't suck that I can't just have a "normal" little life and have kids now cause that's what I had planned, but it will be okay because only Jesus satisfies my soul and He is enough.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

God is so creative when choosing what and who will teach me a lesson.  I'm currently helping teach Vacation Bible School to 2nd graders, and our memory verse during the first night (the same night I was in charge of the lesson by the way) was Psalm 139:14 -

"I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well."

This really got me to thinking.  The world says my ovaries don't work right, which is true I guess for getting pregnant and having a baby of my own.  But I have to remember that I been fearfully and wonderfully made by God so actually they work just the way God intended in order for me to live out the purpose He has planned.  Again, I don't know what that plan is, but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Someone I know recently told me that he and his wife couldn't have a baby either.  Their doctor even told them flat out "you will never get pregnant" and even questioned why they were still trying.  Eventually they left that doctor and several years later did miraculously get pregnant.  When they went in for delivery, their current doctor was away, so guess who delivered their baby (the baby that couldn't be)?  Yep, their previous doctor that said she would never be pregnant!  That was not a coincidence.  That was definitely God wanting to show that doctor that He can create something out of nothing.  So her body didn't work just right either to have a baby, but God made her that way so she could be an instrument in God's work in showing that doctor that He does exist and can still preform miracles. 

There's a great song out right now called More Beautiful You by Johnny Diaz that I really like.  Part of the chorus says,

"You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you."

So even though my ovaries may not work "right", they do work perfectly for the plan God has in store for me because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made.

Making God #1

When my husband and I thought we were ready to have a baby, it was a really exciting time.  I would envision what the nursery would look like, what crafty little things I would attempt to make for the baby, and of course, names.  Thankfully my husband is the practical one and told me, "we'll have 9 whole months to think of a name; let's just wait until you're pregnant before talking about that."  That made pretty decent sense to me so we didn't talk about it.  I can see now, that in itself was a blessing, because if we would have talked about it or looked names up, things may be harder at this point.

Another thing I did in the beginning was read books...lots of pregnancy books.  Mainly how to keep myself healthy, what to eat, and those things.  So I started to eat better and drink less frappuccinos (that was hard).  But after several months of trying for a baby and nothing, I started to think more about my priorities.  For the 4 or so months prior I realized my priority had suddenly become having a baby.  I wasn't focused on anything else, including God.  I realized I needed to step back and refocus my attention on what's more important and really the only thing in life I should be focused on.  It's funny how God works.  I can worry and worry about things, and my life just seems to get more and more tangled up.  But as soon as I stop and make sure God is my #1 priority, everything works out.  Isn't that so cool?  God works it all out; He always does and always will.

So I stopped reading the pregnancy books.  My life is pretty busy with all sorts of schedules and projects (which I do to myself I know), so getting to read is a rarity.  So when I did have time to read, pregnancy books were it.  So now that I wasn't consuming my time with those, I had made time to read my Bible.  It was truly amazing.  I can't honestly remember what specific passages I read, but I do remember how much peace I instantly felt.  I wasn't as stressed at work and the best part was that I wasn't consumed by this idea that I wasn't getting pregnant as quickly as I had hoped.  It's difficult to explain, but having my thoughts engulfed by one single thought is exhausting.  I gave it all to God when I started reading my Bible on a more regular basis.  I didn't want to have to think about having a baby anymore; I finally realized I just wanted God to do what He does better than me - plan my life instead of me trying to worry about it all the time.  And the only way I could let Him do that was to get Him back into my top priority.

I think I sometimes try to look to other sources (i.e. friends, spouse, books, etc.) to find the answers to today's problems, no matter the problem, instead of looking to my true source.  If I can just learn to make and keep God #1 in my life, He will take care of me. 

Matthew 6:25-27, 33
"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on.  Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not worth much more than they?  And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? ... But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Desires of the Heart

One of my favorite verses is "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of the heart." found in Psalm 37:4.  It's so fitting for this situation.  I often hear women in this situation ask "Why would God put a desire in my heart to have a child, and then not allow me to have one?"  I also want to ask this question, but I won't; I don't think it's my place to know why.  We are little tiny beings who can't even begin to fathom what God is thinking or what His intentions are.  Even if He told me why, I wouldn't get it. 

I absolutely know that God does everything for a reason and that reason is to glorify God.  With that said, I believe God did put a desire for children in my heart for a reason in order to glorify Him.  I also know that God is so amazing that every minor or unnoticed detail is a perfectly planned detail in the big picture which will be fulfilled.  With that said, God didn't just throw some random desire my way just because and then not have a plan to fulfill it.  So to answer the "Why give me the desire and not fulfill it" question, I say that I KNOW God put this desire in me for a reason and I know God WILL fulfill it.  I don't know when and I don't know how, but I am confident it will be done.

I also believe that we as humans, probably don't know our own desires as well as God knows them.  I mean God knows how many hairs are in my head and I only know that I have a lot of them and they're all "blonde".  If God knows that minor detail better than me, what makes me think I know such major details like my desires better than God knows them?  Good question...I don't.  God can see straight through my heart.  So I feel the desire is there for me to have my own baby right now, but God knows my true desire.  Why would I put God in a little box and ask Him to fulfill my immediate desire, when He is so much bigger than that and so capable of fulfilling His true desire He gave me that will also fulfill His plan which will glorify Him?  I'd much prefer the latter.

I try to think about it as I did my dating life.  I remember being in high-school and college being the drama queen I try to avoid.  Crying after many break-ups, I would say the infamous lines every girl says at least once in her life, "I'm never going to get married" or "I'm never going to meet anybody."  But, as it turns out, I did meet someone, and he is more perfect than anyone I could have picked out for myself.  I love so many things about him, but his aspect that I love the most is just the feeling he gives me when I'm with him.  I met him a month before I graduated college and moved back home.  At the time I thought that was a horrible time to meet, but it was actually ideal because we were both able to experience so much that when we did meet, it was an obvious match.  So I try to remember this when trying to have a baby.  I can't have one now and maybe I'll never be able to, but when my true desire for a child is fulfilled, no matter how God fulfills it, he (or she or they) will be so much more perfect than I could have imagined and the timing couldn't be better.

Praise You in This Storm

So far there really have been only two times that I've been really upset about not getting pregnant.  First when I found out the doctors were just going to do the same tests on me so I thought we weren't getting anywhere, and second when the specialist told me he thought I had Ovarian Inefficiency.  During the first time, I remember just sobbing while I was taking a shower.  I don't remember really thinking anything except  saddness, no words.  But then the only thing that popped in my mind was Casting Crowns' "Praise You in the Storm".  The words are so powerful and so appropriate it was amazing.  Again, God is so good at putting exactly what you need in your face at the perfect moment.  I just stood in the shower, crying and singing that song to myself.  I wasn't just singing the song, but I really made the whole song my prayer and spoke every word very diliberately.


Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now, God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus
 
 
I think it's really easy for me to praise God and thank Him for all the marvalous things he does for me when I'm going through good times; it's harder to praise Him when I'm going through tough times.  At that moment, I know God was teaching me to always be thankful and praise Him even in the tough times, cause He's so big and always the same God no matter what I'm going through.

Rollercoaster of Emotions

After a full year of trying (which I do realize isn't that long) and after having only 4 periods, when I called the doctor and asked what we were going to do next, they said that we were going to do the same tests again.  This got me pretty frustrated because I had already done those tests; why are we doing them again...shouldn't we move on to something else?  I went in very reluctantly to have my blood drawn and wasn't at all anxious for the call I would get a week later because I knew what they were going to say; the same thing they had said many times before -   "Everything appears normal so here's some pills and hopefully they'll work".  Now obviously that's not exactly what they had told me, but that's pretty much what I heard. 

After taking the tests I went home and cried.  That was the first time I got upset in over a year.  I even remember at one point a few months earlier asking God if something was wrong with me that I wasn't upset about not getting pregnant.  I had seen women get upset way before that.  Like I said earlier, the first year really was okay, because I did have 100% faith that God would work it out.  However, I also had faith in the doctors who were helping me, but when they told me they really didn't know what was wrong and that they just wanted to test the same stuff again, I lost that faith.  I lost that hope that they would make me all better.  And that's when I finally cried for the first time.  I felt that I had hit a roadblock and didn't know where to turn next.  If my doctors didn't know what to do, then who would?  So I hadn't even got the results, but I just knew they would be normal and we'd be back where we were a year ago - nowhere.

God is really amazing and can completely surprise you sometimes.  He did with me when I did finally get my test results back; the doctor didn't say I was normal.  She said one of my hormones was a little high and they were referring me to a specialist.  I can't even begin to tell you exactly how I felt right then.  I seriously let out a deep sigh which felt like I was unloading something huge.  Suddenly in that moment I was so happy and thankful.  That probably sounds completely opposite of how I should have felt, but after hearing "normal" so many times and knowing that I wasn't, to hear that something might be wrong was actually so refreshing. 

So I went to the specialist (whom I really like by the way) and my husband came with me.  He said my results of the same tests were so completely opposite from one another that he had a hard time believing they were both mine.  He wanted to do them again!  Jeez, people.  But of course I did them; he wanted to get a better picture of what was going on.  Well it turns out that my ovaries don't work right.  It's all very technical and kind of hard to follow, but the pituitary gland releases a hormone called FSH to the ovaries to tell them to release the egg from one of their follicles.  The doctor said that when he sees the FSH level at a 10, it causes him "anxiety"; he likes to see lower numbers.  Well mine is a 44.  Obviously he doesn't like this very much.  As I understand it, this high number means my FSH is working so hard to get my ovaries to work, but they just aren't.  He said he wants to do some more tests first before officially diagnosing me but thinks I have Ovarian Inefficiency.  He said if I was 48, he'd call it Menopause, but since I'm just 28 it's called Ovarian Inefficiency.  He said that's really just what he likes to call it because the real name is something Ovarian Failure and thinks that's too negative.  He said after running more tests, we'll see, but if it is Ovarian Inefficiency, getting pregnant is going to be very hard, very expensive, and will take a very long time.  It's a good thing I prepared myself for bluntness. 

I cried myself home and told my husband what the doctor said.  We both cried about it because it was just kind of a punch to the gut.  It's a very weird and eery feeling hearing those words.  Who would have thought this would have happened to us?  As upset as I was, I felt like giving the doctor a hug as I left his office.  I didn't, but I felt like it.  He is just so nice and open.  I was and am thankful he is going to try to help us.  This might sound silly, but when I was in the waiting room, they were playing the same Christian radio station that I listen to.  God's really good at giving you just the right amount of peace right when you need it.

The Beginning

My husband and I have been married for about 3 1/2 years.  We decided over a year ago that we were ready to have a baby.  So I went off my birth control, waited a few months and then starting trying.  I had always heard that the average time it takes to get pregnant is between 3-6 months and could take up to even a year.  My doctor at the time actually even told me not to contact her until I'd been trying for a full year.  I had no problem with this, though, because I didn't really think that would be me anyway. 

Before we even started trying, but after I stopped my birth control, I had only had two periods in five months.  I was a little worried about this because I figured that couldn't be normal and probably not too good for baby-making.  I went to the doctor and she ran some tests on me but everything was "normal" (whatever that means).  They gave me some medicine, though, to try and jump start my body and force me to have a period...didn't work.  Four more months passed and no periods, then I finally had my third period in 9 months.  I did then have a period just a month after that so I thought I was in the clear, but that's the last one I had for the year.  The doctors still said my tests were "normal", but I had a hard time believing that a 28 year-old woman having four periods in 12 month was normal.  So to date, I've had four periods in17 months, and I'm not pregnant. 

To be completely honest the first year of trying with no success wasn't too bad; I had prepared myself that it could take awhile.  I also had faith that God was in total control.  It offers me comfort to know that everything happens for a reason and for the glory of God.  It may not be what I want or what I plan, but it is for the ultimate good.  I should look at it as an honor to be a part of God's plan for that ultimate good even if it's not what I was expecting. 

I definately had my moments of frustration, though, and incredible knots in my stomach while I was waiting for the pregnancy tests to process.  I really didn't take that many tests; it's hard to know when you're ovulating, even if you ovulate and when to take a pregnancy test when you don't have a period for 4 straight months.  I really just took the tests right before I had to buy more medicine...just in case you know.  In the very beginning I always took the tests when my husband was home because I wanted us to find out together.  After a while though, I would take them when he wasn't home because I really didn't think they'd be positive.  Sometimes I even forgot to look at them after they were finished because I just knew they were going to be negative.  I also didn't get disappointed anymore (which is huge if you know me because I get very excited over little things which unfortunately allows me to become easily disappointed);  I'd see the test results and just take a deep breath and sigh.  I guess you could view that as a lack in my faith.  I think it probably was, but God definately knows how to bring you out of that and can suddenly show you amazing things to restore and renew that faith.