This week has been pretty rough. My FSH levels dropped as I reported earlier, which was what we had hoped for. Then I had to take shots in my stomach for five days to grow an egg inside one follicle in just one ovary. These shots are the same shots given to IVF patients in order to develop many eggs to extract. The side affect of the shots is that so many eggs can develop that the ovaries may become swollen and painful. My doctor told me not to even worry about this, though, because we were shooting for just one egg. These shots were expensive as you can imagine. Another incredible blessing: our doctor paid for over half of the bills for these shots. I still can't hardly believe that.
I went in Monday to get an ultra sound to see if the shots were working. First blow of bad news, no...didn't even budge. So my husband and I were given the option to either try again or quit. The doctor said he really didn't know if it would work and didn't particularly want us spending a lot of money on it if it wouldn't. I appreciated his honesty, and my husband and I talked it over. My biggest fear was that in a couple years would I always think to myself, "I should have just tried it"? So we went for another round.
This time I did a larger dosage of the medicine, but just for three days. I went this morning and sat in my car before going in. "God please let it be an absolute no or an obvious yes; I don't want to have to make this decision again." Second blow of bad news, but an answer to my prayer, no....didn't even budge. So here's where I sit. The decision was easily made, no more shots or pills or other medicine. Reality: my husband and I cannot have our own baby together.
I say "cannot" with hesitation. I still absolutely believe God is capable of miracles and may decide to let us be a part of this one. So in the world's eyes, I cannot have a child, but in God's eyes anything is possible.
Monday night after getting the first blow of bad news, my husband and I were just sitting together in silence. I was crying of course, and I couldn't help but wonder why I was crying. I thought back on all the times through this process when I have cried and why. Each time (the duplicate tests, diagnosis, now...) I realized I was disappointed because something I had placed my hope in had failed me. I'm lying on the couch in my tears thinking about this, and out of nowhere I think "put your hope in God". It hit me hard (which is what God has to do to me to get my attention). Even though God has placed all these things around me (doctors, medicines, etc) to help me try to get pregnant, they are not meant to be my source of hope; they are simply meant to be instruments in God's works.
Hope is an expectation. To have hope in someone or something, is to have an expectation for someone or something. Is that realistic? Only God is perfect and only God can be expected of greatness; He will never fail us. God has put incredibly intelligent doctors in my path and medicine that astounds me, but God did not do that so He could take a break. He did that to show me that even the great on this Earth do not compare to His greatness.
"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5 - that's one for the memory bank for sure.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Faithfulness
I am in a Bible study group at work every Thursday during lunch. I have to be really grateful that we are allowed to meet, because I work in a big corporation where religious practices (of any kind) are usually not tolerated. We are going through just a variety of topics and researching them within the Bible. A couple of weeks ago we studied faithfulness.
I think we all know what faithfulness means, but I don't know if we truly grasp the idea of it (or at least I don't). According to the Bible we know that God is faithful and has to be faithful; He can't not be faithful. I think the reason we may not fully get this concept is because we, as humans, can so easily not be faithful. It's easy for me to make a commitment and break it. For example, I made a hair appointment and now I have to cancel it because I scheduled something else for the same time. I know that's a little thing, but we (or I) do stuff like this far too often. I need to be more like God; I want my faithfulness to reach to the skies (Psalm 36:5).
One other really great thought God showed me through this lesson (one of many) was the illustration of the talents Jesus talked about in Matthew 25. It's about a man who went on a journey, but he first gave three slaves talents (money). He gave one slave five pieces, another two, and another one. The slaves with five and two pieces took very good care of their responsibility and even earned more pieces to give to the man when he returned from his journey. However, the slave with only one piece was afraid to lose it so he just buried it and didn't earn any other pieces. In verses 21 and 23, the man tells the other two slaves, "Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master." The point of this illustration Jesus is trying to make is that we can't expect to get more if we aren't faithful (i.e. stable, secure, trustworthy, steadfast, truthful, committed, etc) with what we currently have.
I have been insanely busy this year, and I have taken on way too many responsibilities. I don't think I have been faithful to any of them, truly faithful anyway. One of my biggest pet peeves is someone saying they are going to do something and then not doing it. So I always do my absolute best to follow through with something I say I'm going to do. This bites me though, because I commit to something, but am so committed to it, something else in my life has to suffer. Unfortunately, this year I have taken on so many commitments, I can't truly stay faithful to any one because it overlaps another. So honestly, if I cannot be faithful to keep a hair appointment (or keep my house clean or read my Bible or....on and on), what right do I have to ask God to give me more? I can hear the conversation now: "But God, I know I can handle a baby too". "Yeah right, Jessie. How about you get a handle on what you already have first".
So my goal for this year is for God to say to me "Well done, good and faithful servant. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your Master." And of course, by "many things", I'm hoping He means baby.
I think we all know what faithfulness means, but I don't know if we truly grasp the idea of it (or at least I don't). According to the Bible we know that God is faithful and has to be faithful; He can't not be faithful. I think the reason we may not fully get this concept is because we, as humans, can so easily not be faithful. It's easy for me to make a commitment and break it. For example, I made a hair appointment and now I have to cancel it because I scheduled something else for the same time. I know that's a little thing, but we (or I) do stuff like this far too often. I need to be more like God; I want my faithfulness to reach to the skies (Psalm 36:5).
One other really great thought God showed me through this lesson (one of many) was the illustration of the talents Jesus talked about in Matthew 25. It's about a man who went on a journey, but he first gave three slaves talents (money). He gave one slave five pieces, another two, and another one. The slaves with five and two pieces took very good care of their responsibility and even earned more pieces to give to the man when he returned from his journey. However, the slave with only one piece was afraid to lose it so he just buried it and didn't earn any other pieces. In verses 21 and 23, the man tells the other two slaves, "Well done, good and faithful slave. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master." The point of this illustration Jesus is trying to make is that we can't expect to get more if we aren't faithful (i.e. stable, secure, trustworthy, steadfast, truthful, committed, etc) with what we currently have.
I have been insanely busy this year, and I have taken on way too many responsibilities. I don't think I have been faithful to any of them, truly faithful anyway. One of my biggest pet peeves is someone saying they are going to do something and then not doing it. So I always do my absolute best to follow through with something I say I'm going to do. This bites me though, because I commit to something, but am so committed to it, something else in my life has to suffer. Unfortunately, this year I have taken on so many commitments, I can't truly stay faithful to any one because it overlaps another. So honestly, if I cannot be faithful to keep a hair appointment (or keep my house clean or read my Bible or....on and on), what right do I have to ask God to give me more? I can hear the conversation now: "But God, I know I can handle a baby too". "Yeah right, Jessie. How about you get a handle on what you already have first".
So my goal for this year is for God to say to me "Well done, good and faithful servant. You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your Master." And of course, by "many things", I'm hoping He means baby.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Decisions....Decisions....
If you know me, you know that I'm terrible at making decisions. I analyze everything way too much. My Sunday School teacher always says, "if God just wrote it in the sky, I would do it". That's so very true. I want to do what God wants me to do; the hard part is knowing what that is.
So the major life decision my husband and I were faced with recently was what to do in order to try to have a baby. Thanks to God's ability to hit me in the face with the answer, we know what we're doing. I honestly can't tell you how He does that, but I know when He's behind a decision because I am confiendent in it and don't question it. I'm at peace with our decision, because I know God is backing us up.
For several reasons, my husband and I have decided not to do IVF. Maybe in a few years or so we might visit this option again, but for now we are passing. I'm not too bummed about this though, because I haven't totally been sold on this option since the beginning anyway.
So we decided to go the experimental route. I was scolded on calling it an "experiment" at the doctor's office, by the way. The medication and treatments are not experimental, it's just what they are doing to treat this specific problem that is new. This route is much less expensive than IVF and the end result would be a baby from both my husband and me. A healthy man and woman trying to have a baby have between a 20-25% chance per month of getting pregnant. If everything goes well with this process, the doctor thinks my chances will bump up to a 15% chance. I know that doesn't sound very good, but right now my body has a 0% chance so 15% looks pretty appealing from here.
I have been taking estrogen three times a day for three weeks now with only one week remaining. The goal of this medicine is to decrease my FSH level to a 10 or lower and increase my ovulation. I thought my FSH level was a 44 (as I've said before), but they took the level right before I started the medicine to see how far we have to go, and it was a 76. Ouch! My optimism plummetted when I found this out. My doctor told me we are going to try to lower the FSH level in 4 weeks; if it doesn't work in that amount of time, it's not going to and we abondon this ship completely. So I've been getting my FSH level tested once a week to see if it's dropping. I'm very pleased to report that the first week it went down to a 33.6, then 23, and just this week it went down to a 14! After I got the first call saying the level went down to 33.6, I was really excited, but I immidately asked God to not let this be a false hope. I have learned to try to not get too excited, otherwise it will be harder to get over if something doesn't happen the way I thought it would. So I'm just focusing on the here and now and realize my end result is only 15%. I have peace though, because I know this is what God wants us to do, and I also know He is amazing so 15% to Him is super easy to work with because everything is easy for Him. That's why it's so great having Him in my life.
So the major life decision my husband and I were faced with recently was what to do in order to try to have a baby. Thanks to God's ability to hit me in the face with the answer, we know what we're doing. I honestly can't tell you how He does that, but I know when He's behind a decision because I am confiendent in it and don't question it. I'm at peace with our decision, because I know God is backing us up.
For several reasons, my husband and I have decided not to do IVF. Maybe in a few years or so we might visit this option again, but for now we are passing. I'm not too bummed about this though, because I haven't totally been sold on this option since the beginning anyway.
So we decided to go the experimental route. I was scolded on calling it an "experiment" at the doctor's office, by the way. The medication and treatments are not experimental, it's just what they are doing to treat this specific problem that is new. This route is much less expensive than IVF and the end result would be a baby from both my husband and me. A healthy man and woman trying to have a baby have between a 20-25% chance per month of getting pregnant. If everything goes well with this process, the doctor thinks my chances will bump up to a 15% chance. I know that doesn't sound very good, but right now my body has a 0% chance so 15% looks pretty appealing from here.
I have been taking estrogen three times a day for three weeks now with only one week remaining. The goal of this medicine is to decrease my FSH level to a 10 or lower and increase my ovulation. I thought my FSH level was a 44 (as I've said before), but they took the level right before I started the medicine to see how far we have to go, and it was a 76. Ouch! My optimism plummetted when I found this out. My doctor told me we are going to try to lower the FSH level in 4 weeks; if it doesn't work in that amount of time, it's not going to and we abondon this ship completely. So I've been getting my FSH level tested once a week to see if it's dropping. I'm very pleased to report that the first week it went down to a 33.6, then 23, and just this week it went down to a 14! After I got the first call saying the level went down to 33.6, I was really excited, but I immidately asked God to not let this be a false hope. I have learned to try to not get too excited, otherwise it will be harder to get over if something doesn't happen the way I thought it would. So I'm just focusing on the here and now and realize my end result is only 15%. I have peace though, because I know this is what God wants us to do, and I also know He is amazing so 15% to Him is super easy to work with because everything is easy for Him. That's why it's so great having Him in my life.
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