As I read some of my blog posts I realize that I am being pretty selfish actually. I keep reading "I...I...I...me...me...me....how will I be affected...how does this make me feel." I have to understand and realize that this is probably affecting other people as well. I must try to look at this through different perspectives, through the perspectives of others.
God is huge and super clever so when He does something, He doesn't just fix the problem for one person, but the solution seems to involve multiple people and everyone is blessed. I couldn't possibly begin to understand how this situation is affecting other people or who else God is thinking of within the situation, but I do know His solution will be woven between many.
My husband and I decided when we got married, we wanted to be married for a few years before we had children. So we decided after we got married when we were going to start to try for a baby. First mistake...plan around God and not through God. My husband has always wanted kids, but I don't think as deeply as I did. When we started trying, I honestly don't know if he was really ready. I mean he agreed to my "perfectly" timed plan, but I don't know if he was totally ready to be a dad. Now I can see the way he looks at children and the way he talks about having children, and there is a significant difference. Through this I can see that God has been working on my husband's heart. So maybe I would have been ready this whole time and God thought it would have been fine for me to have a child sooner, but my husband wasn't ready and God needed to work on his heart first. I'm thankful for this and again, glad God is in control and not me.
Also, what about the unborn baby? There have always been struggles and issues throughout time, and maybe its just as I get older, but it seems that there are some really crazy, scary things happening in the world. God may not want me to bring a child into this world at this time. I have to remember that God can see the whole picture. I can only see two pieces - what is happening to me right now and what has happened to me in the past. God can see many other pieces - what I can see, but also what is happening tomorrow, what is happening years from now, how people will be affected, how He will be glorified, and on and on. He is so detailed and intricate, but also larger than anything I can imagine. He's pretty much awesome. So...maybe God wants me to wait until a better time for the baby; when the baby will have a better life that will have an impact for Him.
Or...what about a child already in this world that doesn't have a home? If we were to have our own baby, a child may go without a home because he or she is supposed to be with my husband and me. We can offer a good home and love to a child that may not otherwise receive those things. This is why, honestly, I am so thankful I am not in control. When the end result comes, I know I will look back on all this and just praise His name because we will all be blessed. And I probably won't even fully get it until I get to Heaven.
And only God knows who else this situation may be affecting. Maybe I am able to go off and do more mission trips without a child, or maybe my husband is able to help more people. I have to remember that ultimately everything we do has to glorify God. That is our purpose in life; to glorify God by blessing others and bringing others to Christ. So if having a child fits into that purpose, bring it on. If not, I pray God gives me the strength to accept that.
So as I'm going through all of this, I must look at the situation from the perspectives of others. God does have a plan, and not just for me.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Premature Ovarian Failure
Well unfortunately it's official; I have what's called Premature Ovarian Failure (POF), or what my doctor likes to call Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (because it just sounds better). Either way it's not the best news for a girl who wants to get pregnant. I've been to my specialist's office three times and two times he has told me what he thought I had. I didn't want to write it out or research it because in the back of my mind I thought "well he could be wrong". So a couple of weeks ago they ran the necessary tests to confirm his theory and a couple of days ago the results came back. My body is creating antibodies which are fighting off my ovaries. Because my ovaries are failing, they are not producing effective eggs or the proper levels of estrogen. Because I don't produce effective eggs, my infertility meter just shot through the roof. One glimmer of hope...about 6-8% of women with POF can still become pregnant so I'm really clinging onto that tiny positive detail at this point and praying I'm in that 6-8%.
POF is pretty rare, but for women to have it under the age of 30 (me), it's really rare. I'm only 1 in 1000. It's crazy because my doctor told me that he was at an infertility conference several weeks ago and was talking to another specialist there about my case. I didn't even realize I had a case. The tests they ran on me are also rare. He told me to come back the next day so they could research exactly how to run the tests as they only order them once or twice a year.
Naturally one of our first questions to the doctor was how to fix it. Here's where the bad news comes in. Based on the research I have done and what my doctor has told me, POF can't be "fixed". There are a couple of options I have, though.
1. In Vitro Fertilization using an egg donor
2. Experimental hormone therapy
3. Adoption
In vitro fertilization with an egg donor throws me for a loop. When he first said this as an option my mouth dropped, "so I can't have my own baby?" "No" was his answer. Talk about a reality check. I thought all along my ovaries just weren't releasing my eggs, but actually they aren't even producing eggs or at least good eggs to even release. So with this treatment option they would fertilize the eggs from another woman with my husband's sperm. Does this sound weird to anyone else? We still need to obviously research and weigh our options on this, but it's really expensive, has only about a 50-60% success rate, and they aren't my eggs. This reminds me of Abraham and Sarah in the Bible. Sarah also couldn't have a baby for her husband so allowed him to sleep with another woman in order to give him a son. That worked, but God didn't exactly bless that decision. Not saying this is the same, but a lot still to think about.
The other specialist at this infertility conference my doctor was talking to about me has done a study in Spain with 50 young women who have POF. From what I've read, they all have what seems to be the same symptoms and tests results as me. He gave 25 of the women estrogen to increase ovulation and to lower their FSH level (remember mine is 44 and it should be 10 or lower). These women's FSH levels did decrease and ovulation did increase compared to the 25 women that were given the placebo. Also, out of these 25 women that received estrogen, 4 women did get pregnant. My doctor hasn't ever done this type of treatment for this diagnosis, though. So again, a lot to still think about.
And of course adoption. I haven't researched it at all yet, but know that it's a very real possibility. I really want a baby and I really want to be a mom; I don't think I'm opposed at this point how I get there. So...a lot to still think about.
I do still believe, though, that God has a plan and God can perform miracles. All babies are miracles, but it seems that in my case, that's the only way I'm getting a baby. But you know what? Receiving the greatest gift of a child as a miracle through God sounds pretty amazing to me.
POF is pretty rare, but for women to have it under the age of 30 (me), it's really rare. I'm only 1 in 1000. It's crazy because my doctor told me that he was at an infertility conference several weeks ago and was talking to another specialist there about my case. I didn't even realize I had a case. The tests they ran on me are also rare. He told me to come back the next day so they could research exactly how to run the tests as they only order them once or twice a year.
Naturally one of our first questions to the doctor was how to fix it. Here's where the bad news comes in. Based on the research I have done and what my doctor has told me, POF can't be "fixed". There are a couple of options I have, though.
1. In Vitro Fertilization using an egg donor
2. Experimental hormone therapy
3. Adoption
In vitro fertilization with an egg donor throws me for a loop. When he first said this as an option my mouth dropped, "so I can't have my own baby?" "No" was his answer. Talk about a reality check. I thought all along my ovaries just weren't releasing my eggs, but actually they aren't even producing eggs or at least good eggs to even release. So with this treatment option they would fertilize the eggs from another woman with my husband's sperm. Does this sound weird to anyone else? We still need to obviously research and weigh our options on this, but it's really expensive, has only about a 50-60% success rate, and they aren't my eggs. This reminds me of Abraham and Sarah in the Bible. Sarah also couldn't have a baby for her husband so allowed him to sleep with another woman in order to give him a son. That worked, but God didn't exactly bless that decision. Not saying this is the same, but a lot still to think about.
The other specialist at this infertility conference my doctor was talking to about me has done a study in Spain with 50 young women who have POF. From what I've read, they all have what seems to be the same symptoms and tests results as me. He gave 25 of the women estrogen to increase ovulation and to lower their FSH level (remember mine is 44 and it should be 10 or lower). These women's FSH levels did decrease and ovulation did increase compared to the 25 women that were given the placebo. Also, out of these 25 women that received estrogen, 4 women did get pregnant. My doctor hasn't ever done this type of treatment for this diagnosis, though. So again, a lot to still think about.
And of course adoption. I haven't researched it at all yet, but know that it's a very real possibility. I really want a baby and I really want to be a mom; I don't think I'm opposed at this point how I get there. So...a lot to still think about.
I do still believe, though, that God has a plan and God can perform miracles. All babies are miracles, but it seems that in my case, that's the only way I'm getting a baby. But you know what? Receiving the greatest gift of a child as a miracle through God sounds pretty amazing to me.
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