Happy New Year! I can't believe I'm just now writing after several months away. I need to get better at this.
I was reading my Bible this morning and knew I needed to write a post about it. Numbers 22-24 is about Balaam traveling to Balak's land. But God sends an angel to cover the path. Only Balaam's donkey sees the angel and tries to get off the road. God then finally opens Balaam's eyes to see the angel himself. (That was an extremely summarized version so I would just recommend reading it yourself to see the full context.)
This passage just reminded me that we don't know our path or where we should go. We pray to God and ask for his guidance, but we sometimes get selfish and forget to look for his leadership. My prayer today is to continue to look to Him and for Him so I may know the path I am supposed to take.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Sunday, July 24, 2011
He Puts Us to the Test
I am reading Genesis right now and this morning I read Genesis 22. It's about when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, but then at the last minute God provided a ram to be sacrificed instead. This was an amazing act of faith on Abraham's part; he was about to kill is own son because God asked him to do so. Of course, God did not want Isaac to die, but wanted to test Abraham's faith in Him. And what happened? In Genesis 22:16 it says, "This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your beloved son, I swear by my own self that I will bless you richly." And this was after Sarah, Abraham's barren wife, gave him a son when he was 100 years old. (I would definately make the record books if I made my husband a father when he's 100.)
Some people may wonder why God asked Abraham of this; why does God want to test our faith? I'm no scholar and definately can't fully understand God, but I do have His Word. The Bible says in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." So if we are obeying Him and living in His purpose for us just as Abraham was in the story above, God is working for our good. His tests of faith, perhaps times of great sufferings, will only be for our very own good. What good? For one, it builds character. Romans 5:3-5 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
It's a scary prayer, but our prayer should really be to put our faith to the test. God loves us and if we are obeying Him and living in His purpose, He will greatly bless us, more than we can even hope for, because he works for our good. But more so, if our faith is tested we will build perseverance and character and hope in Christ. Yes, a test of faith may be difficult to endure for awhile, but the test will be worth the rewards.
Some people may wonder why God asked Abraham of this; why does God want to test our faith? I'm no scholar and definately can't fully understand God, but I do have His Word. The Bible says in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." So if we are obeying Him and living in His purpose for us just as Abraham was in the story above, God is working for our good. His tests of faith, perhaps times of great sufferings, will only be for our very own good. What good? For one, it builds character. Romans 5:3-5 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
It's a scary prayer, but our prayer should really be to put our faith to the test. God loves us and if we are obeying Him and living in His purpose, He will greatly bless us, more than we can even hope for, because he works for our good. But more so, if our faith is tested we will build perseverance and character and hope in Christ. Yes, a test of faith may be difficult to endure for awhile, but the test will be worth the rewards.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
But the Greatest of These is Love...
I just found out my cousin is pregnant today. I am so very happy for her, but I told my husband I cannot wait until my initial reaction to that news is turned from heart-stopping, catch-my-breath to genuine excitement. It may sound selfish for me to feel this way and I guess it really is. Someone gives me excellent news about herself and I immediately think of myself? That is the very definition of selfish, isn't it? People often think that women who cannot have children are selfish, and I used to think that way myself. I used to think, "why can't she just get over herself and be happy for her pregnant friend?" But the thing is, that is exactly what I want to do. I want to be genuinely excited for her. I don't want the tears to fall when someone makes that big announcement. I have this heart string that gets yanked when someone I'm close to gets that huge dream fulfilled.
I guess what I always think is I cannot remember a time in my life when I didn't want children; I love them with every square inch of my heart. I even remember wanting a baby brother growing up; I'd wish for him with each birthday candle I blew out. I am the oldest out of all my cousins and with every one, I cherished each little moment even wanting to wake up in the middle of the night for feedings and change diapers. I think I love the feeling of nurturing something so dependent on you. To let that kind of love spill into someone else is a indescribable feeling.
I look forward to the day the love in my heart can be shared with a child. But even now, reading that sentence, I realize I should love each person I pass. Here's probably a familiar passage in 1 Corinthians. It has been read so many times, I don't think people truly soak up the meaning. Read each word separately and deliberately meditating on what God is telling each of us to do. It's a good reminder for me to not wait for a child of my own, but to cherish each person I come in contact with as they are all children of God.
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
I guess what I always think is I cannot remember a time in my life when I didn't want children; I love them with every square inch of my heart. I even remember wanting a baby brother growing up; I'd wish for him with each birthday candle I blew out. I am the oldest out of all my cousins and with every one, I cherished each little moment even wanting to wake up in the middle of the night for feedings and change diapers. I think I love the feeling of nurturing something so dependent on you. To let that kind of love spill into someone else is a indescribable feeling.
I look forward to the day the love in my heart can be shared with a child. But even now, reading that sentence, I realize I should love each person I pass. Here's probably a familiar passage in 1 Corinthians. It has been read so many times, I don't think people truly soak up the meaning. Read each word separately and deliberately meditating on what God is telling each of us to do. It's a good reminder for me to not wait for a child of my own, but to cherish each person I come in contact with as they are all children of God.
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13
Saturday, July 16, 2011
The Reason to Wait
Patience is truly a virtue, one I have struggled with my whole life. God has definitely been teaching me this virtue by growing me spiritually these last couple of years and making me wait for things I want. A friend of mine gave me this poem I absolutely love.
Wait
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shaken the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My precious answer of all is still...Wait."
I love this whole poem, but I think my favorite line is "But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you." God is always doing works in our lives. He can make good even through the evil of this world. It's hard not being able to have a baby or even be a mom at this very instant, but it does truly make me excited to see what God is doing in me and what He's going to use me for in the future. I just need to learn to wait...patiently.
Wait
by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? You say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shaken the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My precious answer of all is still...Wait."
I love this whole poem, but I think my favorite line is "But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you." God is always doing works in our lives. He can make good even through the evil of this world. It's hard not being able to have a baby or even be a mom at this very instant, but it does truly make me excited to see what God is doing in me and what He's going to use me for in the future. I just need to learn to wait...patiently.
Friday, July 15, 2011
The Adoption Journey
I don't know if I can really call it an adoption journey if we haven't truly started yet. I feel like I'm on an old country road with gigantic trees on either side. I can't see anything because of the trees and I really can't even see the road because it curves off out of sight. I'm just standing at the beginning waiting to take the plunge down it even though I don't know where it's going; I know it's going to be a journey, but I have absolutely no idea where it's going to lead me.
With that said...the adoption journey is glaring me in the face waiting for me to take my first step. Do I run or walk? Do I stop and ask a ton of questions? Who do I ask for directions? Oh my goodness people! I'm learning that people who adopt absolutely, with all their hearts, do want children, because you can't just get pregnant, you have to pick an agency and lawyer, fill out paperwork, pay LOTS of money and so much more.
We're currently in that very first stage - picking an agency; so many things to consider with so many different options. My goal is to have the home study completed (if possible) and on a "waiting list" by the end of this year. We're slowly moving in the right direction, though, to choose the right agency for us.
But...that 'who do I ask for directions' question needs to be addressed. I've been spending a lot of time in prayer and am doing a study on fasting right now. It's not something I've ever done or know anything about. I do know fasting is very biblical, however, and can be an extremely spiritual experience. I wanted to know more about it, and what the Bible says about it before I do it though, so that's what I'm currently working on.
It's refreshing to know the Lord will stroll down an old country road with you if you'll just ask.
With that said...the adoption journey is glaring me in the face waiting for me to take my first step. Do I run or walk? Do I stop and ask a ton of questions? Who do I ask for directions? Oh my goodness people! I'm learning that people who adopt absolutely, with all their hearts, do want children, because you can't just get pregnant, you have to pick an agency and lawyer, fill out paperwork, pay LOTS of money and so much more.
We're currently in that very first stage - picking an agency; so many things to consider with so many different options. My goal is to have the home study completed (if possible) and on a "waiting list" by the end of this year. We're slowly moving in the right direction, though, to choose the right agency for us.
But...that 'who do I ask for directions' question needs to be addressed. I've been spending a lot of time in prayer and am doing a study on fasting right now. It's not something I've ever done or know anything about. I do know fasting is very biblical, however, and can be an extremely spiritual experience. I wanted to know more about it, and what the Bible says about it before I do it though, so that's what I'm currently working on.
It's refreshing to know the Lord will stroll down an old country road with you if you'll just ask.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
To God be the Glory
I'm currently reading "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan (for the second time). If you haven't read it, I strongly recommend it; it's incredibly well written speaking to your core about the honest truth and how simple loving God should be. We all need to be crazy in love with God because of who He is and what He's done for us.
The chapter I just finished reading is about death and the realization of it. We have to realize that our lives on Earth are just a tiny blimp in time. We should be concerned about what matters the most - telling others about the love of God and what they too can have in Him. "Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven" (Matthew 10:32-33).
EVERYTHING we do needs to give glory to God. Not because we have to (because we don't...we have freewill), but because God absolutely deserves it and our love for Him should be so overwhelming that we can't help but to give Him the glory with everything we do (brushing our teeth, driving to work, talking to our spouse...seriously...everything).
So I'm trying to apply this to infertility. As I've stated before, I truly believe God is going to make me a mom someday; I'm not sure how or when but I am convinced He will. As my husband and I review the possibilities of adoption or foster care, there are a lot of things to think about. I keep going back and forth in thinking about foster care specifically. If you know me, you know I'm a pushover and incredibly emotional and compassionate (probably too much at times). My husband and many others tell me I probably couldn't handle fostering; which I believe could very well be true. However, when I think about giving all things to God for His glory, I think maybe I could. Yes, it may be very difficult seeing those children come into our lives, falling in love, and then having to give them back to a possibly unsafe situation, but what am I doing with the children while they're with me? Hopefully I am showing God's love to them in a way they haven't seen before. There are so many children waiting to be adopted or need to be fostered who haven't experienced that before. Many have I'm sure, but far too often they don't. I figure if I can show them God's love while they're with us and give them that knowledge and hope, I am giving glory to God. And maybe I could even plant the seed or see the harvest of salvation in some of their lives!
I don't know if my husband and I are going to foster or adopt at this point, but I am realizing there are many blessings in these options as well. I just have to remember that in everything I do, I need to give glory to God. Is my purpose in life to have a baby? No. Is my purpose even to be a mom ? No. My purpose is to give all the glory to God in everything I do. My purpose is to love as God loves and serve Him in hopes that others will come to know Christ.
The chapter I just finished reading is about death and the realization of it. We have to realize that our lives on Earth are just a tiny blimp in time. We should be concerned about what matters the most - telling others about the love of God and what they too can have in Him. "Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven" (Matthew 10:32-33).
EVERYTHING we do needs to give glory to God. Not because we have to (because we don't...we have freewill), but because God absolutely deserves it and our love for Him should be so overwhelming that we can't help but to give Him the glory with everything we do (brushing our teeth, driving to work, talking to our spouse...seriously...everything).
So I'm trying to apply this to infertility. As I've stated before, I truly believe God is going to make me a mom someday; I'm not sure how or when but I am convinced He will. As my husband and I review the possibilities of adoption or foster care, there are a lot of things to think about. I keep going back and forth in thinking about foster care specifically. If you know me, you know I'm a pushover and incredibly emotional and compassionate (probably too much at times). My husband and many others tell me I probably couldn't handle fostering; which I believe could very well be true. However, when I think about giving all things to God for His glory, I think maybe I could. Yes, it may be very difficult seeing those children come into our lives, falling in love, and then having to give them back to a possibly unsafe situation, but what am I doing with the children while they're with me? Hopefully I am showing God's love to them in a way they haven't seen before. There are so many children waiting to be adopted or need to be fostered who haven't experienced that before. Many have I'm sure, but far too often they don't. I figure if I can show them God's love while they're with us and give them that knowledge and hope, I am giving glory to God. And maybe I could even plant the seed or see the harvest of salvation in some of their lives!
I don't know if my husband and I are going to foster or adopt at this point, but I am realizing there are many blessings in these options as well. I just have to remember that in everything I do, I need to give glory to God. Is my purpose in life to have a baby? No. Is my purpose even to be a mom ? No. My purpose is to give all the glory to God in everything I do. My purpose is to love as God loves and serve Him in hopes that others will come to know Christ.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Blind Faith
What is blind faith? I've heard that, but what does it truly mean? According to dictionary.com (I feel like I'm writing a paper here or something) faith is "belief that is not based on proof". In 2 Corinthians 5:7, the Bible says "In faith we walk, not by sight". I have also heard the saying "Faith is believing without seeing". So I think we can all agree on the fact that faith is blind. To walk in faith, is to walk without knowing the path you are taking.
I think people use the word faith a little bit flippently. I have faith, you have faith, we all have faith, but in what? In our car? I have faith my car will get me to where I need to go. In our spouse? I have faith my spouse will take care of me. Or maybe the most dangerous, in our money? I have faith my money will help me survive. Well guess what? None of those things are guaranteed to follow through. Your car might be the top of the line, but it can and will fail. Your spouse may have said those vows, but he can and will fail simply because he is human. You may have a lot of money now, but it also can and will fail you at one point or another. So what do you have faith in? The answer should be God. God is the overseer of everything. So he will get you where you need to go and he will take care of you and only he will help you survive. Not your car, your spouse, your money or anything else.
So if we know what faith means - to step out blindly in trust - and we know what we need to have faith in - God - then what is blind faith? I believe it means to let God take your hand and you simply follow, not because you know where he's taking you, but because you whole-heartedly trust him with every aspect of your life includng your life itself. I am a visual person so I picture this as Indiana Jones is taking that step of faith onto the invisible bridge in the tomb (love those movies!). Or maybe someone taking you by the hand while you are blindfolded and leading you.
Have you ever truly taken that leap of faith? That step of "I have no idea where this is going to lead, but I will follow you because you're asking, Lord" faith? And I mean a true leap of faith, not a leap of "well if it doesn't work out, I can always..." faith. Isn't that like saying "if God doesn't come through, I can always fall back on my own plan"? I am a Plan B person; I like to have my backup plan, worse case scenerio in the back of my mind all planned out. That isn't faith. For example (and this is probably lame), but I really wanted to have my wedding outside. I just love the outdoors and wanted my wedding outside. But, of course, I was worried about rain. What if it rains? Heaven forbid the guests get a little wet. That would just be the worst thing (I'm being sarcastic here in case you didn't pick up on that). So regretably our wedding was held indoors. And guess what? It was the most gorgeous day in September. I think God was saying "why did you have such little faith, look what a great day I've provided for you." That's small, I know and there are much bigger, more life changing questions you should also have faith for. But my point is that even in the small things, God is faithful.
I have recently had to make a life changing decision regarding my job. I have quit a stable, secure job to go back to school full-time. This means we're losing my income and having to pay a lot of money for school. I feel pretty irresponsible now because here we are in a starving economy with people getting laid-off and looking for work, and I'm voluntarily quitting for no more money, but a lot less. On top of that, I don't have a Plan B, and that just isn't me. I am also losing my health insurance so not 100% sure where we are going to get that either. So again, feeling irresponsible because I have no Plan B. However, in light of my irresponsibility, I find myself once again depending fully on the grace of God. He will provide and I just need that blind faith. I don't know what is going to happen, but I need faith that God will provide. Why is that so much easier to say than actually do? It makes me angry that my faith is not strong enough for this. But I also know that God allows things to happen in our lives to grow and test our faith so we can build character and perservere.
I think people use the word faith a little bit flippently. I have faith, you have faith, we all have faith, but in what? In our car? I have faith my car will get me to where I need to go. In our spouse? I have faith my spouse will take care of me. Or maybe the most dangerous, in our money? I have faith my money will help me survive. Well guess what? None of those things are guaranteed to follow through. Your car might be the top of the line, but it can and will fail. Your spouse may have said those vows, but he can and will fail simply because he is human. You may have a lot of money now, but it also can and will fail you at one point or another. So what do you have faith in? The answer should be God. God is the overseer of everything. So he will get you where you need to go and he will take care of you and only he will help you survive. Not your car, your spouse, your money or anything else.
So if we know what faith means - to step out blindly in trust - and we know what we need to have faith in - God - then what is blind faith? I believe it means to let God take your hand and you simply follow, not because you know where he's taking you, but because you whole-heartedly trust him with every aspect of your life includng your life itself. I am a visual person so I picture this as Indiana Jones is taking that step of faith onto the invisible bridge in the tomb (love those movies!). Or maybe someone taking you by the hand while you are blindfolded and leading you.
Have you ever truly taken that leap of faith? That step of "I have no idea where this is going to lead, but I will follow you because you're asking, Lord" faith? And I mean a true leap of faith, not a leap of "well if it doesn't work out, I can always..." faith. Isn't that like saying "if God doesn't come through, I can always fall back on my own plan"? I am a Plan B person; I like to have my backup plan, worse case scenerio in the back of my mind all planned out. That isn't faith. For example (and this is probably lame), but I really wanted to have my wedding outside. I just love the outdoors and wanted my wedding outside. But, of course, I was worried about rain. What if it rains? Heaven forbid the guests get a little wet. That would just be the worst thing (I'm being sarcastic here in case you didn't pick up on that). So regretably our wedding was held indoors. And guess what? It was the most gorgeous day in September. I think God was saying "why did you have such little faith, look what a great day I've provided for you." That's small, I know and there are much bigger, more life changing questions you should also have faith for. But my point is that even in the small things, God is faithful.
I have recently had to make a life changing decision regarding my job. I have quit a stable, secure job to go back to school full-time. This means we're losing my income and having to pay a lot of money for school. I feel pretty irresponsible now because here we are in a starving economy with people getting laid-off and looking for work, and I'm voluntarily quitting for no more money, but a lot less. On top of that, I don't have a Plan B, and that just isn't me. I am also losing my health insurance so not 100% sure where we are going to get that either. So again, feeling irresponsible because I have no Plan B. However, in light of my irresponsibility, I find myself once again depending fully on the grace of God. He will provide and I just need that blind faith. I don't know what is going to happen, but I need faith that God will provide. Why is that so much easier to say than actually do? It makes me angry that my faith is not strong enough for this. But I also know that God allows things to happen in our lives to grow and test our faith so we can build character and perservere.
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