Disappointment and Hope

This week has been pretty rough.  My FSH levels dropped as I reported earlier, which was what we had hoped for.  Then I had to take shots in my stomach for five days to grow an egg inside one follicle in just one ovary.  These shots are the same shots given to IVF patients in order to develop many eggs to extract.  The side affect of the shots is that so many eggs can develop that the ovaries may become swollen and painful.  My doctor told me not to even worry about this, though, because we were shooting for just one egg.  These shots were expensive as you can imagine.  Another incredible blessing: our doctor paid for over half of the bills for these shots.  I still can't hardly believe that.

I went in Monday to get an ultra sound to see if the shots were working.  First blow of bad news, no...didn't even budge.  So my husband and I were given the option to either try again or quit.  The doctor said he really didn't know if it would work and didn't particularly want us spending a lot of money on it if it wouldn't.  I appreciated his honesty, and my husband and I talked it over.  My biggest fear was that in a couple years would I always think to myself, "I should have just tried it"?  So we went for another round.

This time I did a larger dosage of the medicine, but just for three days.  I went this morning and sat in my car before going in.  "God please let it be an absolute no or an obvious yes; I don't want to have to make this decision again."  Second blow of bad news, but an answer to my prayer, no....didn't even budge.  So here's where I sit.  The decision was easily made, no more shots or pills or other medicine.  Reality: my husband and I cannot have our own baby together.

I say "cannot" with hesitation.  I still absolutely believe God is capable of miracles and may decide to let us be a part of this one.  So in the world's eyes, I cannot have a child, but in God's eyes anything is possible.

Monday night after getting the first blow of bad news, my husband and I were just sitting together in silence.  I was crying of course, and I couldn't help but wonder why I was crying.  I thought back on all the times through this process when I have cried and why.  Each time (the duplicate tests, diagnosis, now...) I realized I was disappointed because something I had placed my hope in had failed me.  I'm lying on the couch in my tears thinking about this, and out of nowhere I think "put your hope in God".  It hit me hard (which is what God has to do to me to get my attention).  Even though God has placed all these things around me (doctors, medicines, etc) to help me try to get pregnant, they are not meant to be my source of hope; they are simply meant to be instruments in God's works. 

Hope is an expectation.  To have hope in someone or something, is to have an expectation for someone or something.  Is that realistic?  Only God is perfect and only God can be expected of greatness; He will never fail us.  God has put incredibly intelligent doctors in my path and medicine that astounds me, but God did not do that so He could take a break.  He did that to show me that even the great on this Earth do not compare to His greatness. 

"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:3-5 - that's one for the memory bank for sure.

Faithfulness

I am in a Bible study group at work every Thursday during lunch.  I have to be really grateful that we are allowed to meet, because I work in a big corporation where religious practices (of any kind) are usually not tolerated.  We are going through just a variety of topics and researching them within the Bible.  A couple of weeks ago we studied faithfulness. 

I think we all know what faithfulness means, but I don't know if we truly grasp the idea of it (or at least I don't).  According to the Bible we know that God is faithful and has to be faithful; He can't not be faithful.  I think the reason we may not fully get this concept is because we, as humans, can so easily not be faithful.  It's easy for me to make a commitment and break it.  For example, I made a hair appointment and now I have to cancel it because I scheduled something else for the same time.  I know that's a little thing, but we (or I) do stuff like this far too often.  I need to be more like God; I want my faithfulness to reach to the skies (Psalm 36:5).

One other really great thought God showed me through this lesson (one of many) was the illustration of the talents Jesus talked about in Matthew 25.  It's about a man who went on a journey, but he first gave three slaves talents (money).  He gave one slave five pieces, another two, and another one.  The slaves with five and two pieces took very good care of their responsibility and even earned more pieces to give to the man when he returned from his journey.  However, the slave with only one piece was afraid to lose it so he just buried it and didn't earn any other pieces.  In verses 21 and 23, the man tells the other two slaves, "Well done, good and faithful slave.  You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master."  The point of this illustration Jesus is trying to make is that we can't expect to get more if we aren't faithful (i.e. stable, secure, trustworthy, steadfast, truthful, committed, etc) with what we currently have. 

I have been insanely busy this year, and I have taken on way too many responsibilities.  I don't think I have been faithful to any of them, truly faithful anyway.  One of my biggest pet peeves is someone saying they are going to do something and then not doing it.  So I always do my absolute best to follow through with something I say I'm going to do.  This bites me though, because I commit to something, but am so committed to it, something else in my life has to suffer.  Unfortunately, this year I have taken on so many commitments, I can't truly stay faithful to any one because it overlaps another.  So honestly, if I cannot be faithful to keep a hair appointment (or keep my house clean or read my Bible or....on and on), what right do I have to ask God to give me more?  I can hear the conversation now: "But God, I know I can handle a baby too".  "Yeah right, Jessie.  How about you get a handle on what you already have first".

So my goal for this year is for God to say to me "Well done, good and faithful servant.  You were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your Master."  And of course, by "many things", I'm hoping He means baby.

Decisions....Decisions....

If you know me, you know that I'm terrible at making decisions.  I analyze everything way too much.  My Sunday School teacher always says, "if God just wrote it in the sky, I would do it".  That's so very true.  I want to do what God wants me to do; the hard part is knowing what that is.

So the major life decision my husband and I were faced with recently was what to do in order to try to have a baby.  Thanks to God's ability to hit me in the face with the answer, we know what we're doing.   I honestly can't tell you how He does that, but I know when He's behind a decision because I am confiendent in it and don't question it.  I'm at peace with our decision, because I know God is backing us up.

For several reasons, my husband and I have decided not to do IVF.  Maybe in a few years or so we might visit this option again, but for now we are passing.  I'm not too bummed about this though, because I haven't totally been sold on this option since the beginning anyway. 

So we decided to go the experimental route.  I was scolded on calling it an "experiment" at the doctor's office, by the way.  The medication and treatments are not experimental, it's just what they are doing to treat this specific problem that is new.  This route is much less expensive than IVF and the end result would be a baby from both my husband and me.  A healthy man and woman trying to have a baby have between a 20-25% chance per month of getting pregnant.  If everything goes well with this process, the doctor thinks my chances will bump up to a 15% chance.  I know that doesn't sound very good, but right now my body has a 0% chance so 15% looks pretty appealing from here.

I have been taking estrogen three times a day for three weeks now with only one week remaining.  The goal of this medicine is to decrease my FSH level to a 10 or lower and increase my ovulation.  I thought my FSH level was a 44 (as I've said before), but they took the level right before I started the medicine to see how far we have to go, and it was a 76.  Ouch!  My optimism plummetted when I found this out.  My doctor told me we are going to try to lower the FSH level in 4 weeks; if it doesn't work in that amount of time, it's not going to and we abondon this ship completely.  So I've been getting my FSH level tested once a week to see if it's dropping.  I'm very pleased to report that the first week it went down to a 33.6, then 23, and just this week it went down to a 14!  After I got the first call saying the level went down to 33.6, I was really excited, but I immidately asked God to not let this be a false hope.  I have learned to try to not get too excited, otherwise it will be harder to get over if something doesn't happen the way I thought it would.  So I'm just focusing on the here and now and realize my end result is only 15%.  I have peace though, because I know this is what God wants us to do, and I also know He is amazing so 15% to Him is super easy to work with because everything is easy for Him.  That's why it's so great having Him in my life.

Different Perspectives

As I read some of my blog posts I realize that I am being pretty selfish actually.  I keep reading "I...I...I...me...me...me....how will I be affected...how does this make me feel."  I have to understand and realize that this is probably affecting other people as well.  I must try to look at this through different perspectives, through the perspectives of others.

God is huge and super clever so when He does something, He doesn't just fix the problem for one person, but the solution seems to involve multiple people and everyone is blessed.  I couldn't possibly begin to understand how this situation is affecting other people or who else God is thinking of within the situation, but I do know His solution will be woven between many.

My husband and I decided when we got married, we wanted to be married for a few years before we had children.  So we decided after we got married when we were going to start to try for a baby.  First mistake...plan around God and not through God.  My husband has always wanted kids, but I don't think as deeply as I did.  When we started trying, I honestly don't know if he was really ready.  I mean he agreed to my "perfectly" timed plan, but I don't know if he was totally ready to be a dad.  Now I can see the way he looks at children and the way he talks about having children, and there is a significant difference.  Through this I can see that God has been working on my husband's heart.  So maybe I would have been ready this whole time and God thought it would have been fine for me to have a child sooner, but my husband wasn't ready and God needed to work on his heart first.  I'm thankful for this and again, glad God is in control and not me.

Also, what about the unborn baby?  There have always been struggles and issues throughout time, and maybe its just as I get older, but it seems that there are some really crazy, scary things happening in the world.  God may not want me to bring a child into this world at this time.  I have to remember that God can see the whole picture.  I can only see two pieces - what is happening to me right now and what has happened to me in the past.  God can see many other pieces - what I can see, but also what is happening tomorrow, what is happening years from now, how people will be affected, how He will be glorified, and on and on.  He is so detailed and intricate, but also larger than anything I can imagine.  He's pretty much awesome.  So...maybe God wants me to wait until a better time for the baby; when the baby will have a better life that will have an impact for Him.

Or...what about a child already in this world that doesn't have a home?  If we were to have our own baby, a child may go without a home because he or she is supposed to be with my husband and me.  We can offer a good home and love to a child that may not otherwise receive those things.  This is why, honestly, I am so thankful I am not in control.  When the end result comes, I know I will look back on all this and just praise His name because we will all be blessed.  And I probably won't even fully get it until I get to Heaven.

And only God knows who else this situation may be affecting.  Maybe I am able to go off and do more mission trips without a child, or maybe my husband is able to help more people.  I have to remember that ultimately everything we do has to glorify God.  That is our purpose in life; to glorify God by blessing others and bringing others to Christ.  So if having a child fits into that purpose, bring it on.  If not, I pray God gives me the strength to accept that.

So as I'm going through all of this, I must look at the situation from the perspectives of others.  God does have a plan, and not just for me.

Premature Ovarian Failure

Well unfortunately it's official; I have what's called Premature Ovarian Failure (POF), or what my doctor likes to call Primary Ovarian Insufficiency (because it just sounds better).  Either way it's not the best news for a girl who wants to get pregnant.  I've been to my specialist's office three times and two times he has told me what he thought I had.  I didn't want to write it out or research it because in the back of my mind I thought "well he could be wrong".  So a couple of weeks ago they ran the necessary tests to confirm his theory and a couple of days ago the results came back.  My body is creating antibodies which are fighting off my ovaries.  Because my ovaries are failing, they are not producing effective eggs or the proper levels of estrogen.  Because I don't produce effective eggs, my infertility meter just shot through the roof.  One glimmer of hope...about 6-8% of women with POF can still become pregnant so I'm really clinging onto that tiny positive detail at this point and praying I'm in that 6-8%.

POF is pretty rare, but for women to have it under the age of 30 (me), it's really rare.  I'm only 1 in 1000.  It's crazy because my doctor told me that he was at an infertility conference several weeks ago and was talking to another specialist there about my case.  I didn't even realize I had a case.  The tests they ran on me are also rare.  He told me to come back the next day so they could research exactly how to run the tests as they only order them once or twice a year.

Naturally one of our first questions to the doctor was how to fix it.  Here's where the bad news comes in.  Based on the research I have done and what my doctor has told me, POF can't be "fixed".  There are a couple of options I have, though.
1. In Vitro Fertilization using an egg donor
2. Experimental hormone therapy
3. Adoption

In vitro fertilization with an egg donor throws me for a loop.  When he first said this as an option my mouth dropped, "so I can't have my own baby?"  "No" was his answer.  Talk about a reality check.  I thought all along my ovaries just weren't releasing my eggs, but actually they aren't even producing eggs or at least good eggs to even release.  So with this treatment option they would fertilize the eggs from another woman with my husband's sperm.  Does this sound weird to anyone else?  We still need to obviously research and weigh our options on this, but it's really expensive, has only about a 50-60% success rate, and they aren't my eggs.  This reminds me of Abraham and Sarah in the Bible.  Sarah also couldn't have a baby for her husband so allowed him to sleep with another woman in order to give him a son.  That worked, but God didn't exactly bless that decision.  Not saying this is the same, but a lot still to think about.

The other specialist at this infertility conference my doctor was talking to about me has done a study in Spain with 50 young women who have POF.  From what I've read, they all have what seems to be the same symptoms and tests results as me.  He gave 25 of the women estrogen to increase ovulation and to lower their FSH level (remember mine is 44 and it should be 10 or lower).  These women's FSH levels did decrease and ovulation did increase compared to the 25 women that were given the placebo.  Also, out of these 25 women that received estrogen, 4 women did get pregnant.  My doctor hasn't ever done this type of treatment for this diagnosis, though.  So again, a lot to still think about.

And of course adoption.  I haven't researched it at all yet, but know that it's a very real possibility.  I really want a baby and I really want to be a mom; I don't think I'm opposed at this point how I get there. So...a lot to still think about.

I do still believe, though, that God has a plan and God can perform miracles.  All babies are miracles, but it seems that in my case, that's the only way I'm getting a baby.  But you know what?  Receiving the greatest gift of a child as a miracle through God sounds pretty amazing to me.

Source of True Satisfaction

I've already mentioned how great my husband is, but he is seriously a dream husband (hopefully nobody vomits as I say that).  He is super handy, he is great with money, and I trust him 100% in everything.  He basically can do everything I can't do and more, and I depend on him a lot (probably too much sometimes).  God has blessed him with many talents.  I don't think I have nearly as many as he does, but I do feel like God has given me the talent (I guess that's what you'd call it) of being good with kids.  I've heard that from several people and do often think it's true.  I can somehow connect with kids which gives me their respect and I genuinely love seeing their little smiles and how proud they get when they learn something.  I have a huge sense of satisfaction when I can be around children and I just want that everyday; I just want to be a mom.

I was in church this morning and Dennis Jernigan came (awesome by the way), and we all sang his song Who Can Satisfy My Soul.  Between the singing and the music and the emotion in the church, I was hit by what felt like a ton of bricks.  I don't need a child to satisfy my soul, because Jesus is the only real source of true satisfaction. Today I realized that life on Earth is a tiny little speck on the timeline of eternity and yes, I really want children while I'm on this Earth, but if I don't, it will be okay.  My stomach still drops as I write those words, but the lesson is slowly sinking in.

We have a really great preacher where I go to church, and a few weeks ago he did a sermon on the fact that Jesus is and should be enough in our lives.  He had four main points:
1. You can give more when Jesus is enough
2. You can go without when Jesus is enough
3. You can live with gratitude with Jesus is enough
4. You can learn and grow a lot when Jesus is enough

The point that really stands out to me is the second one: you can go without when Jesus is enough.  It will be okay if I don't have children because Jesus is so big and so powerful that He is more than enough to offer me satisfaction.  So even though I feel this incredible desire to have children and even though I feel God has given me talents to be a great mom, I don't have to have children or be a mom to be satisfied.  Jesus is enough.  It's not easy, even though it should be, and I'm not going to lie and say it doesn't suck that I can't just have a "normal" little life and have kids now cause that's what I had planned, but it will be okay because only Jesus satisfies my soul and He is enough.

Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

God is so creative when choosing what and who will teach me a lesson.  I'm currently helping teach Vacation Bible School to 2nd graders, and our memory verse during the first night (the same night I was in charge of the lesson by the way) was Psalm 139:14 -

"I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well."

This really got me to thinking.  The world says my ovaries don't work right, which is true I guess for getting pregnant and having a baby of my own.  But I have to remember that I been fearfully and wonderfully made by God so actually they work just the way God intended in order for me to live out the purpose He has planned.  Again, I don't know what that plan is, but I'm looking forward to finding out.

Someone I know recently told me that he and his wife couldn't have a baby either.  Their doctor even told them flat out "you will never get pregnant" and even questioned why they were still trying.  Eventually they left that doctor and several years later did miraculously get pregnant.  When they went in for delivery, their current doctor was away, so guess who delivered their baby (the baby that couldn't be)?  Yep, their previous doctor that said she would never be pregnant!  That was not a coincidence.  That was definitely God wanting to show that doctor that He can create something out of nothing.  So her body didn't work just right either to have a baby, but God made her that way so she could be an instrument in God's work in showing that doctor that He does exist and can still preform miracles. 

There's a great song out right now called More Beautiful You by Johnny Diaz that I really like.  Part of the chorus says,

"You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you."

So even though my ovaries may not work "right", they do work perfectly for the plan God has in store for me because I have been fearfully and wonderfully made.